Thursday, July 26, 2012

S&M- Everyone loves it, and that's okay

Cheerio, turdmunchers. Another bright beautiful day to explore the HORRIBLE RECESSES OF THE HUMAN MIND!!!

Hennyway, I'm here to inform you, as my cohort El Dumpo did in 50 Shades of Racism, that S&M is nothing new and everyone has loved it forever so stop freaking out, shut the fuck up and just enjoy it.

OH BUT SHAGGSIE, S&M IS FOR SERIAL KILLERZ ONLY!!! And porn starz mabes.

Oh herrooooo!

FALSE. NO. WRONG.

Let's think about it. What percent of the population consists of serial killers/ porn stars?! Like 2% or something ridiculous like that. (Also being a porn star is NOT A CRIME, Judgey Mcjudgeyson.) Or if we generously broaden our horizons and say that S&M is only for sexual deviants, then we will be forced to conclude that EVERYONE is a sexual deviant, negating the whole deviant part.

BALONEY I DON'T WANT MY MAN TO POUR HOT OIL ON MY BACK!

DOM'D!

Please madam, that is one small sliver of the world of possibilities that S&M offers us as sentient beings. Just because you don't want your boyfriend to literally scald you doesn't mean you are OFF THE HOOK. Since you are being so stubborn and narrow-minded, I will prove to you your own secret love of S&M.

First piece of evidence:  S &M THEMES DOMINATE POPULAR MOVIES AND TELEVISION

YES it's true don't even deny it. And if you try to deny it, I have three words for you. S. V. U.

WHAT'S THAT SOME KIND OF FANCY AUTOMOBILE

STFU Grampa, it is like only the most popular television show like ever.

SEXY FUCKS INVESTIGATING SEX-Y CRIMES
Law and Order has a rich tradition of being on TV forever and spawning a million spin-offs, including "Trial by Jury" (duh what the fuck) and "Criminal Intent" (also what the fuck). But the SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT spin-off changed the game forever by scrapping all the boring plot lines not involving sex crime, thus making all the other series look about as vanilla as a sorority girl driving a pink-plaid hummer listening to Carly Rae Jepsen.

So SEX SEX SEX all the time. Horrible, violent, often non-consensual sex, in fact. Pretty much every episode starts with a bloody roughed up girl (an up-and-coming starlet perhaps) stumbling by accident into a cop or hot dog vendor and rasping out "I was raped!" before falling unconscious into said man's arms. Then sexy detectives OLIVIA BENSON and ELLIOT-SOMETHING rough up a bunch of pervs before finding the right one, and at various points Olivia is nurturing and motherly yet also tough, embodying the cool aunt we always wanted.

So this particular series totally clobbered all the boring L&O spinoffs, and even the original L&O-- SVU survived on network TV while Criminal Intent was banished to USA, and original L&O, the sad television afterlife.

Insurance commercials for you, bub!

OMG SO PEOPLE LOVE WATCHING RAPE WTF THEY JUST LOVE RAPE SO MUCH

I mean, I guess you could take it that way, but that doesn't really make sense. The sexual crimes themselves are never played in full, because that would garner an NC-17 rating and tons of people vomiting/sobbing onto their TV dinners. The viewers see the aftermath, bleeding victim/ravaged dead body, and sometimes not even that. At most the detectives will watch a fuzzy recorded video of the crime, and it pans away so that we only hear dialogue such as "It's okay Johnny, don't be scared," or something equally bone-chilling.

There is a scene where Olivia is almost raped by a prison guard, and the scene is given the appropriate amount of emotional weight (a lot), and the show focuses on the resulting psychological effects on our favorite heroine. Never have they ever or would they, I believe, have a scene such as that with a young person or child, because they know people would lose their shit.

Anyway, if people really wanted to watch rape scenes, they probly just would. But not many people actually want to watch a rapist squirming on top of his victim as she cries bitterly for like half an hour. Even typing that out is upsetting. Such scenes are only ever used to portray the awfulness and reality of rape- Irreversible, Salo, etc. If everyone really dug that shit, that's what kind of tv and movies we'd be seeing, and not in the independent artsy zone.

The rape-iest movie ever :(

SVU may seem to exploit the intensity of emotion inherent in rape and sex crimes, but the show does not align itself with its psychologically fascinating perpetrators. The rapists are not the heroes. Hell NO. They are portrayed as either demented sadists so detached with reality that it makes you vom, or sniveling, pathetic weirdos you find yourself feeling bad for because they are that fucking pathetic. No one wants to be them. NO, we want to be OLIVIA AND ELLIOT, taking up the cause of the vulnerable and the innocent in the name of all that is bad-ass and just, yet also having the failings and weak points of normal humans.

SVU is popular because the stakes are higher- if we're projecting ourselves onto our fallible heroes, there is no greater justice than bringing down a rapist, except maybe bringing down a rapist/MURDERER. The stakes are not as high if it's some rich ho killing her dick husband because he cheated on her. BORING, ALL THOSE PEOPLE ARE EVIL BUT NOT IN AN EXCITING WAY.

Plus, we all have intense hang-ups and guilt about sexuality from being threatened with eternal hellfire by our Sunday school teachers. We see these intricate issues being played out through our dynamic duo. Elliot is pretty much AFLAME with sexual energy.

NO WAY HE IS LIKE A NICE DAD

NOT DAD-LIKE

No one's dad is like that! Elliot is always moments away from BLOWING UP violently, which to my (and most people's) brain means he is a tiger in the bedroom. I want him to blow up all over me, amirite!??! Plus he is rough-around-the-edges yet good-at-heart= EQUATION FOR LADY BONER.

Olivia is similarly MAD HOT. She is just gorgeous and never ages. Every other minute in the show an extra comments on her irrepressible ATTRACTIVENESS. When I type in Mariska Hargitay on google, hot is the first fill-in option. And then "mom." HAHA. 

So we have two super sexually charged characters- AND NO SEX SCENES FOR THEM EVER!!! Seriously. Olivia goes on like two dates and maybe gets a make-out or two. HEAVY-PETTING, perhaps. Elliot gets a weird sexy scene with his separated wife that no one wanted. And he makes out with the chick from Gladiator for like five minutes. It wasn't until that scene that I realized that this show is depriving of us of sex on purpose. Because I watched it and my vagina exploded. All that tension built up OVER FUCKING YEARS OF SHOW and hundreds of fucking episodes... holy god, they have created a monster. They have our genitals right where they want them. Super repressed and begging for some on screen action.

"WHY DO I NEVER GET LAID"

As a comparison, think about the L&O's slutty and embarrassing cousin, CSI. Or any other detective show. All of the hot detectives/lab motherfuckers bone constantly and have loads of romantic dramz. "People like sex right?!?" say the producers. Well sometimes, but even more they like BEING DENIED SEX!

Yes, they have us all curled around their finger, waiting for Elliot to whip it out and bang some hot witness in the interrogation room. (A specific fantasy of mine? BE QUIET DON'T TELL.) This denying of sex is also a main component of the S&M dynamic. Because denying is sort of like punishment, and people want to be punished, because they want to feel guilty, because it's a feeling they have always associated with sex. This goes back to the whole Sunday school teacher admonitions.

In the same manner, whenever we watch the scenarios played out in SVU, we feel guilty for being so fascinated because we know rape and such is morally wrong, and we feel somehow complicit in these unfolding events just by watching them. And remember, guilt feeling = sexy feeling.

So watching SVU for the average American= LOTS OF SEXY GUILT FEELING FROM ALL DIRECTIONS!!!  When you really think about it, it's pretty stupid to feel guilty for appreciating something that exists 100% in the fantasy zone of TV. Watching a rape or murder scene is nowhere near being complicit in the actual act of rape/murder! Not even fucking close. Like zillions of universes away. Just like if the dominant-submissive component of S&M is played out in reality, like someone actually dominating you without your permission, it is 0% sexy and 100% traumatizing. S&M is cool and harmless because it also exists in the fantasy zone! I know that my boyfriend is not, in fact, a sexy professor who spanks his students for "being bad." Played out in reality, that would be a horrifying sex crime. But in the safe fantasy zone, it is all fun and games, literally.

HA HA HA WHAT FUN


What's up with this fantasy zone, you may ask. Well, it is a safe environment for one to explore their sexual hang-ups most likely caused by organized religion or mean authority figures. To deny that these curiosities exist is silly and harmful. To label them as immoral is even more damaging, and inaccurate.

BUT PEOPLE MAY CONFUSE FANTASY AND REALITY AND THEN KILL EVERYONE!

Only outliers, buddy! People who are extremely mentally disturbed, or have their powers of perception ruined by drugs. Society rightfully does not condone the violation of the fantasy space. When a violent act occurs due to some whackjob projecting his insecurities on innocent people, society freaks out! Because it's horrific. No one considers that acceptable, and if they do, they are bound to be SOCIAL OUTCASTS. We shouldn't apply some outliers' weaknesses to the entirety of society.

ANYWAY. People love S&M because they want to be punished and shit because they have been feeling secretly guilty about sex forever for probably no good reason. Or they want to explore the other side of the punishment dynamic and be the punisher for once. Or they are aware of all of the complexities involved in their own sexuality, and are using S&M as a tool to further unravel the mystery. Or whyever the fuck WHO CARES just do it.

If you are not yet convinced, my next post will supply MORE EXAMPLES of how popular culture reflects mankind's love of the dominant-submissive realm of SEXXX. It's not weird, it's not new, so haterz stop hatin'!

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