Monday, July 16, 2012

You Call That A Cocktail...

Okay, it's time to SHINE. Due to the SWELTERING summer months, I am to write an account of cocktails and drinks in all forms. Now, as I am of AGE and MATURITY to talk of such things, I advise you to use this as your informal yet completely accurate and original guide throughout the adult beverage world.
The Yellow Brick Road to Cocktail Land
Because of such a HIGH VOLUME of drinks being created by the THIRSTY, mostly high school to college aged kids who feel it necessary to fill their BELLIES with the burning sensation of Vodka, versus a lovely V8 VEGETABLE SMOOTHIE of sorts, I cannot cover each and every alcoholic beverage of choice. HOWEVER, I HAVE SOME FAVORITES as well as some HATED drinks that just might SERVE you well...

"Come taste my drinks. I guarantee they are shaken AND stirred"
LET US BEGIN with a discussion of the base of alcoholic beverages, the ALCOHOL. Now, in my mind, there are two main types of alchy...and yes, that's alcohol's cute beverage nickname! TEQUILA (the Queen and King and Princess and Prince of all things wonderful in the drink world), and everything else. The many types of Tequila will forever astound me, and as FANCY PANTS drinking types will tell you, a SILVER (un-aged) Tequila is DELICIOUS. I beg to differ. It is bracing, thinly flavored, and basically tastes like rubbing alcohol being thrown down your gullet. Now, let's be honest...this is how I think Vodka tastes, and would gladly take a shot of un-aged TEQUILA over even one drop of plain Vodka...however, there are similarities in the taste, and my sheltered mouth does not enjoy wrapping itself around even a mini shot glass of this. As we move into the discussion of THE GOOD STUFF, we must remember that I am in no way a drink or alchy connoisseur. I simply enjoy the mixed beverages as well as the plain tastes of such wonderful Tequila. So, what is my favorite type of TEQ!? I would say that a nice shot of aged Patron beats EVERYTHING except maybe the margarita mix it is paired well as a basket of salty chips and a seaside VIEW of the lovely waiter presented above. (I must admit that while researching information regarding Tequila, I found conflicting information...but this is what I found most POPUlAR).

This is truly the exact representation of "THE GOOD STUFF" noted above.
So, now that we've discussed how much better Tequila is than EVERYTHING else, I will move on to other types of straight ALCOHOL that people generally like to drink...Let's get Vodka over with first. How many times did we, in our college years, see the young lady in the too-tight jeans and flip flops at a house party handling a HANDLE of Vodka by her lonesome...a sad sight to see, indeed. Her hair misshapen and fluffed from the heat of 100 sweaty boys shouting and crowding around her, she makes her way to the backdoor of the find an unlit and smoky backyard deck with 10% less crowding. Here she staggers, with her handle of Vodka, lifting it up to the bright MOON (because, of course it is 2 am), and chugging what looks to be rubbing alcohol...oh wait, that's Vodka. Her poor body has been ruined because of this probably weekly occurrence... SUCH A MISTAKE. AT LEAST mix it with something sweet and fruity, to avoid complete inner body burns from it. However, in her state, she knows no better. Now...let's be honest. I have tried Vodka before, and have even had it straight. And while I do not consider myself anything more than a casual, light drinker, I DO have the authority to judge and observe all those that do we all. So far, a recap...TEQUILA = AMAZING, VODKA = THE WORST.

There's a weird lady in my glass. And it's still better than Vodka. 
Now onto things besides the best and the worst...EVERYTHING ELSE. Whisky (especially Irish Whisky) can be DELICIOUS when sipped very slowly in a warm room...Scotch (which I do not understand) is also absolutely, terrifyingly strong yet delicious. All other types of alcohol, while some of them yummy, confuse me. What is the difference between a gin and a scotch and a whisky and a rum? No one knows...except probably everyone besides me. HOWEVER, I like to point my finger at those who say they "understand" the simplistic yet complicated art of alcohol tasting and "understanding". Whatever, you're all lying. No one UNDERSTANDS how Whisky and Scotch and Gin are all different yet all burn my mouth in the same awkward fashion...RUBBING ALCOHOL I TELL YOU.

Toxicity levels RISING. 

"Hey, girl...You forgot your handle. Woops, I mean your plastic bottle of Rite Aid Brand Rubbing Alchy."
NOW ONTO MIXED DRINKS. In this segment, I will label the mixed drinks/cocktails with my own MADE UP NAME, as well as the typical drinker we can all observe drinking this...

Also, SIDENOTE...while researching this TOPIC, I decided that I was in over my head, and that it was too tough for me to pick and choose specific cocktails or alcohols or mixed drinks...However, in pretty much every section of mixed drinks, I found a drink labeled "Orgasm" or other sexual might INQUIRE as to how the burning, awkward sensation of rubbing alcohol cascading through your mouth area might be compared to sex...but I digress, again. Unfortunately, I do not have all the answers.


Margarita (the-better-than-orgasms-and-sex-drink) - either blended or "on the rocks", rimmed with salt or sugar (or my personal favorite, a mixture of both), filled hopefully to the brim with fruity citrus-y filled GOODNESS. I find that everyone I know enjoys a margarita, EVEN MEN. So I take that to mean it is a non-judgmental alcohol that enjoys LONG SIPS ON THE BEACH, small swimsuits that aren't actually flattering but that prevent awkward tan lines, and LOTS AND LOTS OF SNACKING. Tequila, mixed with strawberries, a bit of ice and sugar and salt, as well as some sweet and sour mix/limeade and some strawberry preserve, IS THE BEST THING ON THE PLANET. Good thing they didn't call this an's BETTER. Sweet, a bit tangy, the small crunch from the salt/sugared rim...PERFECT on a warm day, especially at the beach or near the water...HOWEVER. BE WARNED. Tequila strips the clothes and the dignity right off of people. Without even asking nicely. Why have so MANY of my friends, and even my ENEMIES, said they can't do tequila?? I HAVE NO CLUE! I guess a bad experience or something...but I've just never had one...Now Vodka, that's another story. But I find Tequila tastes so wonderful, even on its own, that I do in fact drink it because of the taste, instead of the DRUNK EFFECT when one has 10 shots and 3 margaritas TO BOOT.

One ticket to PARADISE.

Truly offensive. Alcohol of ALL kinds lowers EVERYONE'S standards...
Long Island Iced Tea (the-worst-thing-ever-for-your-body-and-throat-drink-that-knocks-you-on-your-BUM-before-you've-even-gotten-up-to-order-it drink) - Vodka, Tequila, Rum, Gin, and sometimes even a bunch of weird colored fake-sweet mixes to mask the death liquid in your fruity looking probably plastic glass. These LEVEL me, and that's the truth. Try a FOUR LOKO? NO THANKS I ALREADY ALMOST DIED DRINKING a Long Island Iced Tea...The usual suspects drinking Long Island Iced Teas by choice? The same girl holding that handle of Vodka on the smoky back porch of a classmate's house...Now, I am not from California originally. Although I've lived here basically my whole life, I was born in MAINE, the great state of TREES and SNOW. When I was first told about moving to California, as a child, I was like OMG ICED TEA...that is one GREAT PART ABOUT CALIFORNIA...however, when I became of AGE to drink, the Long Island Iced Tea confused me...why is it LONG ISLAND. Why do you need to add iced tea when there are already a thousand types of alcohol in it...why do you use ice...Then I became aware of the fact that nothing means anything anymore, and that they should have labeled this drink the garbage disposal of all alcoholic drinks, used primarily to watch people fall down and pass out, never to wake up...(at least for the night). Needless to say, this drink is too intense for me, although I love Iced Tea with a passion. I support and encourage those who can stomach this concoction to go ahead and have a couple for me, because I will never drink them again...

Mojito (the-weird-almost-like-a-garden-drink-that-makes-you-think-you're-a-rabit-eating-leaves-off-plants-in-the-backyard drink...unless you're at Dave and Busters, in which case you should DEFINITELY order the Cherry Berry MOJITO, because it's the best thing on the PLANET...) - This simple mix of fresh mint leaves, rum, lime juice, simple syrup, and at times berry purees, can be delicious but also gross. My favorite version includes strawberry and cherry puree, as well as fresh lime juice, mint leaves, a lime, as well as ICE. 'Twas INTOXICATINGLY delicious...much like an In-n-Out hamburger... The usual order-er of the Mojito? I haven't actually discovered one yet. I have seen both men and women drink them, in cities and on islands, near LAND AND NEAR WATER...So what have I observed? Mostly, that they are never served strong enough for me to call them LEVELERS (they type of drinks that knock me out of my shoes and onto the floor for a nap). So, I haven't observed one type of person drinking them at an astounding rate. But I should guess that anything involving fresh herbs is dedicated a "Health Food" name by many.

Which is stronger...the drink, or her red lipstick and choker necklace?
Irish Coffee (the-best-after-diner-before-dinner-rain-or-shine-kind-of-drink-that-lets-you-relax-but-also-remember-the-good-times drink) - Created with Coffee, Cream, Brown Sugar/regular sugar and Whisky (although sometimes concocted with Whisky, Bailey's, Coffee, and a touch of brown sugar), this is a phenomenal beverage choice...The irish got it right, and I am thankful. Warm, creamy, strong yet relaxing, I would almost put the word SENSUAL in front of the name of this drink. It treats you right, regardless of who you are or when you are drinking it. Simple, calm, and delicious, Irish Coffee takes the cake. Literally, it sometimes tastes like an alcoholic coffee cake. IT IS SO GOOD, everyone should try it at least once! And guess what...the Whisky in it is not STRONG ENOUGH to push away frightened onlookers. Frequently observed drinkers of the Irish Coffee? EVERYONE WHO IS EVERYONE. The best drink should be in the hands of every of-age individual who likes to have a good time and feel good about their choices. SO THERE.

Warming countless people's love caves. 

Hi regular, boring coffee. I'd like you to meet the best new thing you've ever tasted. It's called IRISH. 
I would like to conclude with a list of drink names that I looked up, but had less interest in reporting on...

Mountain Dew Me
Bend Over Shirley
Buttery Nipple
Suck, Bang, Blow

After reviewing the aforementioned cocktails, please create your own names in response. We could be enjoying a Shirley's Buttery Nipple in no time...


  1. EXCELLENT I NOW UNDERSTAND THE DRINKING WORLD!!! they put real leaves in mojitos i didn't even know that

  2. hahahah is that SARCASM!?!? I CANNOT TELL.