S&M- Everyone loves it, and that's okay

Cheerio, turdmunchers. Another bright beautiful day to explore the HORRIBLE RECESSES OF THE HUMAN MIND!!!

Hennyway, I'm here to inform you, as my cohort El Dumpo did in 50 Shades of Racism, that S&M is nothing new and everyone has loved it forever so stop freaking out, shut the fuck up and just enjoy it.

OH BUT SHAGGSIE, S&M IS FOR SERIAL KILLERZ ONLY!!! And porn starz mabes.

Oh herrooooo!

FALSE. NO. WRONG.

Let's think about it. What percent of the population consists of serial killers/ porn stars?! Like 2% or something ridiculous like that. (Also being a porn star is NOT A CRIME, Judgey Mcjudgeyson.) Or if we generously broaden our horizons and say that S&M is only for sexual deviants, then we will be forced to conclude that EVERYONE is a sexual deviant, negating the whole deviant part.

BALONEY I DON'T WANT MY MAN TO POUR HOT OIL ON MY BACK!

DOM'D!

Please madam, that is one small sliver of the world of possibilities that S&M offers us as sentient beings. Just because you don't want your boyfriend to literally scald you doesn't mean you are OFF THE HOOK. Since you are being so stubborn and narrow-minded, I will prove to you your own secret love of S&M.

First piece of evidence:  S &M THEMES DOMINATE POPULAR MOVIES AND TELEVISION

YES it's true don't even deny it. And if you try to deny it, I have three words for you. S. V. U.

WHAT'S THAT SOME KIND OF FANCY AUTOMOBILE

STFU Grampa, it is like only the most popular television show like ever.

SEXY FUCKS INVESTIGATING SEX-Y CRIMES

Law and Order has a rich tradition of being on TV forever and spawning a million spin-offs, including "Trial by Jury" (duh what the fuck) and "Criminal Intent" (also what the fuck). But the SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT spin-off changed the game forever by scrapping all the boring plot lines not involving sex crime, thus making all the other series look about as vanilla as a sorority girl driving a pink-plaid hummer listening to Carly Rae Jepsen.

So SEX SEX SEX all the time. Horrible, violent, often non-consensual sex, in fact. Pretty much every episode starts with a bloody roughed up girl (an up-and-coming starlet perhaps) stumbling by accident into a cop or hot dog vendor and rasping out "I was raped!" before falling unconscious into said man's arms. Then sexy detectives OLIVIA BENSON and ELLIOT-SOMETHING rough up a bunch of pervs before finding the right one, and at various points Olivia is nurturing and motherly yet also tough, embodying the cool aunt we always wanted.

So this particular series totally clobbered all the boring L&O spinoffs, and even the original L&O-- SVU survived on network TV while Criminal Intent was banished to USA, and original L&O, the sad television afterlife.

Insurance commercials for you, bub!

OMG SO PEOPLE LOVE WATCHING RAPE WTF THEY JUST LOVE RAPE SO MUCH

I mean, I guess you could take it that way, but that doesn't really make sense. The sexual crimes themselves are never played in full, because that would garner an NC-17 rating and tons of people vomiting/sobbing onto their TV dinners. The viewers see the aftermath, bleeding victim/ravaged dead body, and sometimes not even that. At most the detectives will watch a fuzzy recorded video of the crime, and it pans away so that we only hear dialogue such as "It's okay Johnny, don't be scared," or something equally bone-chilling.

There is a scene where Olivia is almost raped by a prison guard, and the scene is given the appropriate amount of emotional weight (a lot), and the show focuses on the resulting psychological effects on our favorite heroine. Never have they ever or would they, I believe, have a scene such as that with a young person or child, because they know people would lose their shit.

Anyway, if people really wanted to watch rape scenes, they probly just would. But not many people actually want to watch a rapist squirming on top of his victim as she cries bitterly for like half an hour. Even typing that out is upsetting. Such scenes are only ever used to portray the awfulness and reality of rape- Irreversible, Salo, etc. If everyone really dug that shit, that's what kind of tv and movies we'd be seeing, and not in the independent artsy zone.

The rape-iest movie ever :(

SVU may seem to exploit the intensity of emotion inherent in rape and sex crimes, but the show does not align itself with its psychologically fascinating perpetrators. The rapists are not the heroes. Hell NO. They are portrayed as either demented sadists so detached with reality that it makes you vom, or sniveling, pathetic weirdos you find yourself feeling bad for because they are that fucking pathetic. No one wants to be them. NO, we want to be OLIVIA AND ELLIOT, taking up the cause of the vulnerable and the innocent in the name of all that is bad-ass and just, yet also having the failings and weak points of normal humans.

SVU is popular because the stakes are higher- if we're projecting ourselves onto our fallible heroes, there is no greater justice than bringing down a rapist, except maybe bringing down a rapist/MURDERER. The stakes are not as high if it's some rich ho killing her dick husband because he cheated on her. BORING, ALL THOSE PEOPLE ARE EVIL BUT NOT IN AN EXCITING WAY.

Plus, we all have intense hang-ups and guilt about sexuality from being threatened with eternal hellfire by our Sunday school teachers. We see these intricate issues being played out through our dynamic duo. Elliot is pretty much AFLAME with sexual energy.

NO WAY HE IS LIKE A NICE DAD

NOT DAD-LIKE

No one's dad is like that! Elliot is always moments away from BLOWING UP violently, which to my (and most people's) brain means he is a tiger in the bedroom. I want him to blow up all over me, amirite!??! Plus he is rough-around-the-edges yet good-at-heart= EQUATION FOR LADY BONER.

Olivia is similarly MAD HOT. She is just gorgeous and never ages. Every other minute in the show an extra comments on her irrepressible ATTRACTIVENESS. When I type in Mariska Hargitay on google, hot is the first fill-in option. And then "mom." HAHA. 

So we have two super sexually charged characters- AND NO SEX SCENES FOR THEM EVER!!! Seriously. Olivia goes on like two dates and maybe gets a make-out or two. HEAVY-PETTING, perhaps. Elliot gets a weird sexy scene with his separated wife that no one wanted. And he makes out with the chick from Gladiator for like five minutes. It wasn't until that scene that I realized that this show is depriving of us of sex on purpose. Because I watched it and my vagina exploded. All that tension built up OVER FUCKING YEARS OF SHOW and hundreds of fucking episodes... holy god, they have created a monster. They have our genitals right where they want them. Super repressed and begging for some on screen action.

"WHY DO I NEVER GET LAID"

As a comparison, think about the L&O's slutty and embarrassing cousin, CSI. Or any other detective show. All of the hot detectives/lab motherfuckers bone constantly and have loads of romantic dramz. "People like sex right?!?" say the producers. Well sometimes, but even more they like BEING DENIED SEX!

Yes, they have us all curled around their finger, waiting for Elliot to whip it out and bang some hot witness in the interrogation room. (A specific fantasy of mine? BE QUIET DON'T TELL.) This denying of sex is also a main component of the S&M dynamic. Because denying is sort of like punishment, and people want to be punished, because they want to feel guilty, because it's a feeling they have always associated with sex. This goes back to the whole Sunday school teacher admonitions.

In the same manner, whenever we watch the scenarios played out in SVU, we feel guilty for being so fascinated because we know rape and such is morally wrong, and we feel somehow complicit in these unfolding events just by watching them. And remember, guilt feeling = sexy feeling.

So watching SVU for the average American= LOTS OF SEXY GUILT FEELING FROM ALL DIRECTIONS!!!  When you really think about it, it's pretty stupid to feel guilty for appreciating something that exists 100% in the fantasy zone of TV. Watching a rape or murder scene is nowhere near being complicit in the actual act of rape/murder! Not even fucking close. Like zillions of universes away. Just like if the dominant-submissive component of S&M is played out in reality, like someone actually dominating you without your permission, it is 0% sexy and 100% traumatizing. S&M is cool and harmless because it also exists in the fantasy zone! I know that my boyfriend is not, in fact, a sexy professor who spanks his students for "being bad." Played out in reality, that would be a horrifying sex crime. But in the safe fantasy zone, it is all fun and games, literally.

HA HA HA WHAT FUN

What's up with this fantasy zone, you may ask. Well, it is a safe environment for one to explore their sexual hang-ups most likely caused by organized religion or mean authority figures. To deny that these curiosities exist is silly and harmful. To label them as immoral is even more damaging, and inaccurate.

BUT PEOPLE MAY CONFUSE FANTASY AND REALITY AND THEN KILL EVERYONE!

Only outliers, buddy! People who are extremely mentally disturbed, or have their powers of perception ruined by drugs. Society rightfully does not condone the violation of the fantasy space. When a violent act occurs due to some whackjob projecting his insecurities on innocent people, society freaks out! Because it's horrific. No one considers that acceptable, and if they do, they are bound to be SOCIAL OUTCASTS. We shouldn't apply some outliers' weaknesses to the entirety of society.

ANYWAY. People love S&M because they want to be punished and shit because they have been feeling secretly guilty about sex forever for probably no good reason. Or they want to explore the other side of the punishment dynamic and be the punisher for once. Or they are aware of all of the complexities involved in their own sexuality, and are using S&M as a tool to further unravel the mystery. Or whyever the fuck WHO CARES just do it.

If you are not yet convinced, my next post will supply MORE EXAMPLES of how popular culture reflects mankind's love of the dominant-submissive realm of SEXXX. It's not weird, it's not new, so haterz stop hatin'!

Fifty Shades of Racism

Good evening, children.   On my Facebook page, one of my quotes is as follows:

"Good question Baxter. Is love by its very nature fleeting? Hmm. I think it was Aristotle who said, 'Come, children...let me tell you a tale about ships and whales.' That has nothing to do with love, but he meant it when he said it."

If you even have to ask me who said that, you should consider other ways to be an idiot.  Corn fritter hand jobs. Watching Fox News.  Hating Tom Hanks.

I'm going to tell you a tale about ships and whales.  Actually, I'm going to take a pathetic Twilight fanfiction that has become a best selling smutbook and turn it into something you'd actually read.  But first, a few things about 50 Shades of Grey:

1. Everybody and their mother (gross) loves some form of BDSM.  Bondage.  Whatever, I don't know the terms.  Seriously.  How do I know this?  Have you ever seen a sexy scene in a movie where someone is restrained or blindfolded or held down or anything like that? Yeah, you have.  Why? Because its so mainstream its in feature films.  So this whole "OMG, WHAT? PEOPLE LIKE WEIRD SEX SHIT?" fake bullshit outrage needs to stop. 
2. If you read this book, and you broadcast that act to your entire social network, or tell your friends, it's basically like telling people you watched porn.  I mean, there isn't anything wrong with that (see above), but it is kind of odd.  Like, if your grandmother asks you what books you've been reading lately, do NOT tell her about this one.  Mumble something about Dan Brown and change the subject.  That's what any decent person would do.  Please do not cop to reading this book, even if you have.  It's like admitting that you're a total goofball who gets really into smutty romantic novels, or that you're just a tool that follows whatever bullshit trends America pumps out for you.

NOW ONTO THE GOOD STUFF.

So one day Maggie and I were verbally taking a dump on this book.  To my knowledge, neither of us have read it (and it WILL stay that way, madam), so we can't REALLY make an accurate assessment of how bad this book is.  But that won't stop us.

Look into her face and KNOW THE TRUTH.

But let's get started.  Here goes:

On March 21, 2012 11:44:34 AM PDT, Anna wrote:

OMG OMG omg, don't get me started on the fifty shades of grey nonsense.

On March 21, 2012 11:44:47 AM PDT, Maggie wrote:

dude

dude

Anna wrote:

They've been talking about it on this blog I read a lot

Maggie wrote:

dude

A wrote:

First of all, a hot 21 year old being a virgin?

   FUCK YOU

WHy does she need to be a virgin?

And anyone named "ANASTASIA STEELE"

needs to get punched in the face

 And we're off: This KILLS me in movies.  You're telling me someone who looks like THIS

Though, the name "Imogen Poots" isn't really a turn on.

 could even POSSIBLY have never had a penis in her? Or another vagina all up in it? WRONG-O.  From what I can tell, people like to get it on. And that's great (actually, it's disgusting).  Especially young people, because they're idiots and have hormones and hate themselves.  The average age for getting your v-card punched is 17, so a super hot 21 year old being a virgin? Pretty sure Anastasia has been getting it in the back door, or doesn't think bj's count as sex.  (Hint: 'Sex' is oral sex's last name.)  Now that I've said all this, I'm REALLY hoping homegirl in the book is actually a virgin.  Considering 50 Shades of Grey started out as a Twilight fanfiction, I'm gonna bet on it.

You Call That A Cocktail...

Okay, it's time to SHINE. Due to the SWELTERING summer months, I am to write an account of cocktails and drinks in all forms. Now, as I am of AGE and MATURITY to talk of such things, I advise you to use this as your informal yet completely accurate and original guide throughout the adult beverage world.

The Yellow Brick Road to Cocktail Land

Because of such a HIGH VOLUME of drinks being created by the THIRSTY, mostly high school to college aged kids who feel it necessary to fill their BELLIES with the burning sensation of Vodka, versus a lovely V8 VEGETABLE SMOOTHIE of sorts, I cannot cover each and every alcoholic beverage of choice. HOWEVER, I HAVE SOME FAVORITES as well as some HATED drinks that just might SERVE you well...

"Come taste my drinks. I guarantee they are shaken AND stirred"

LET US BEGIN with a discussion of the base of alcoholic beverages, the ALCOHOL. Now, in my mind, there are two main types of alchy...and yes, that's alcohol's cute beverage nickname! TEQUILA (the Queen and King and Princess and Prince of all things wonderful in the drink world), and everything else. The many types of Tequila will forever astound me, and as FANCY PANTS drinking types will tell you, a SILVER (un-aged) Tequila is DELICIOUS. I beg to differ. It is bracing, thinly flavored, and basically tastes like rubbing alcohol being thrown down your gullet. Now, let's be honest...this is how I think Vodka tastes, and would gladly take a shot of un-aged TEQUILA over even one drop of plain Vodka...however, there are similarities in the taste, and my sheltered mouth does not enjoy wrapping itself around even a mini shot glass of this. As we move into the discussion of THE GOOD STUFF, we must remember that I am in no way a drink or alchy connoisseur. I simply enjoy the mixed beverages as well as the plain tastes of such wonderful Tequila. So, what is my favorite type of TEQ!? I would say that a nice shot of aged Patron beats EVERYTHING except maybe the margarita mix it is paired with...as well as a basket of salty chips and a seaside VIEW of the lovely waiter presented above. (I must admit that while researching information regarding Tequila, I found conflicting information...but this is what I found most POPUlAR).

This is truly the exact representation of "THE GOOD STUFF" noted above.

So, now that we've discussed how much better Tequila is than EVERYTHING else, I will move on to other types of straight ALCOHOL that people generally like to drink...Let's get Vodka over with first. How many times did we, in our college years, see the young lady in the too-tight jeans and flip flops at a house party handling a HANDLE of Vodka by her lonesome...a sad sight to see, indeed. Her hair misshapen and fluffed from the heat of 100 sweaty boys shouting and crowding around her, she makes her way to the backdoor of the house...to find an unlit and smoky backyard deck with 10% less crowding. Here she staggers, with her handle of Vodka, lifting it up to the bright MOON (because, of course it is 2 am), and chugging what looks to be rubbing alcohol...oh wait, that's Vodka. Her poor body has been ruined because of this probably weekly occurrence... SUCH A MISTAKE. AT LEAST mix it with something sweet and fruity, to avoid complete inner body burns from it. However, in her state, she knows no better. Now...let's be honest. I have tried Vodka before, and have even had it straight. And while I do not consider myself anything more than a casual, light drinker, I DO have the authority to judge and observe all those that drink...as do we all. So far, a recap...TEQUILA = AMAZING, VODKA = THE WORST.

There's a weird lady in my glass. And it's still better than Vodka. 

Now onto things besides the best and the worst...EVERYTHING ELSE. Whisky (especially Irish Whisky) can be DELICIOUS when sipped very slowly in a warm room...Scotch (which I do not understand) is also absolutely, terrifyingly strong yet delicious. All other types of alcohol, while some of them yummy, confuse me. What is the difference between a gin and a scotch and a whisky and a rum? No one knows...except probably everyone besides me. HOWEVER, I like to point my finger at those who say they "understand" the simplistic yet complicated art of alcohol tasting and "understanding". Whatever, you're all lying. No one UNDERSTANDS how Whisky and Scotch and Gin are all different yet all burn my mouth in the same awkward fashion...RUBBING ALCOHOL I TELL YOU.

Toxicity levels RISING. 

"Hey, girl...You forgot your handle. Woops, I mean your plastic bottle of Rite Aid Brand Rubbing Alchy."

NOW ONTO MIXED DRINKS. In this segment, I will label the mixed drinks/cocktails with my own MADE UP NAME, as well as the typical drinker we can all observe drinking this...

Also, SIDENOTE...while researching this TOPIC, I decided that I was in over my head, and that it was too tough for me to pick and choose specific cocktails or alcohols or mixed drinks...However, in pretty much every section of mixed drinks, I found a drink labeled "Orgasm" or other sexual acts...one might INQUIRE as to how the burning, awkward sensation of rubbing alcohol cascading through your mouth area might be compared to sex...but I digress, again. Unfortunately, I do not have all the answers.

SO, LET THE BLENDED/MIXED/STIRRED/ORGASM DRINKS BEGIN.

Margarita (the-better-than-orgasms-and-sex-drink) - either blended or "on the rocks", rimmed with salt or sugar (or my personal favorite, a mixture of both), filled hopefully to the brim with fruity citrus-y filled GOODNESS. I find that everyone I know enjoys a margarita, EVEN MEN. So I take that to mean it is a non-judgmental alcohol that enjoys LONG SIPS ON THE BEACH, small swimsuits that aren't actually flattering but that prevent awkward tan lines, and LOTS AND LOTS OF SNACKING. Tequila, mixed with strawberries, a bit of ice and sugar and salt, as well as some sweet and sour mix/limeade and some strawberry preserve, IS THE BEST THING ON THE PLANET. Good thing they didn't call this an orgasm...it's BETTER. Sweet, a bit tangy, the small crunch from the salt/sugared rim...PERFECT on a warm day, especially at the beach or near the water...HOWEVER. BE WARNED. Tequila strips the clothes and the dignity right off of people. Without even asking nicely. Why have so MANY of my friends, and even my ENEMIES, said they can't do tequila?? I HAVE NO CLUE! I guess a bad experience or something...but I've just never had one...Now Vodka, that's another story. But I find Tequila tastes so wonderful, even on its own, that I do in fact drink it because of the taste, instead of the DRUNK EFFECT when one has 10 shots and 3 margaritas TO BOOT.

One ticket to PARADISE.

Truly offensive. Alcohol of ALL kinds lowers EVERYONE'S standards...

Long Island Iced Tea (the-worst-thing-ever-for-your-body-and-throat-drink-that-knocks-you-on-your-BUM-before-you've-even-gotten-up-to-order-it drink) - Vodka, Tequila, Rum, Gin, and sometimes even a bunch of weird colored fake-sweet mixes to mask the death liquid in your fruity looking probably plastic glass. These LEVEL me, and that's the truth. Try a FOUR LOKO? NO THANKS I ALREADY ALMOST DIED DRINKING a Long Island Iced Tea...The usual suspects drinking Long Island Iced Teas by choice? The same girl holding that handle of Vodka on the smoky back porch of a classmate's house...Now, I am not from California originally. Although I've lived here basically my whole life, I was born in MAINE, the great state of TREES and SNOW. When I was first told about moving to California, as a child, I was like OMG ICED TEA...that is one GREAT PART ABOUT CALIFORNIA...however, when I became of AGE to drink, the Long Island Iced Tea confused me...why is it LONG ISLAND. Why do you need to add iced tea when there are already a thousand types of alcohol in it...why do you use ice...Then I became aware of the fact that nothing means anything anymore, and that they should have labeled this drink the garbage disposal of all alcoholic drinks, used primarily to watch people fall down and pass out, never to wake up...(at least for the night). Needless to say, this drink is too intense for me, although I love Iced Tea with a passion. I support and encourage those who can stomach this concoction to go ahead and have a couple for me, because I will never drink them again...

YOU FOOLED ME. 

Mojito (the-weird-almost-like-a-garden-drink-that-makes-you-think-you're-a-rabit-eating-leaves-off-plants-in-the-backyard drink...unless you're at Dave and Busters, in which case you should DEFINITELY order the Cherry Berry MOJITO, because it's the best thing on the PLANET...) - This simple mix of fresh mint leaves, rum, lime juice, simple syrup, and at times berry purees, can be delicious but also gross. My favorite version includes strawberry and cherry puree, as well as fresh lime juice, mint leaves, a lime, as well as ICE. 'Twas INTOXICATINGLY delicious...much like an In-n-Out hamburger... The usual order-er of the Mojito? I haven't actually discovered one yet. I have seen both men and women drink them, in cities and on islands, near LAND AND NEAR WATER...So what have I observed? Mostly, that they are never served strong enough for me to call them LEVELERS (they type of drinks that knock me out of my shoes and onto the floor for a nap). So, I haven't observed one type of person drinking them at an astounding rate. But I should guess that anything involving fresh herbs is dedicated a "Health Food" name by many.

Which is stronger...the drink, or her red lipstick and choker necklace?

Irish Coffee (the-best-after-diner-before-dinner-rain-or-shine-kind-of-drink-that-lets-you-relax-but-also-remember-the-good-times drink) - Created with Coffee, Cream, Brown Sugar/regular sugar and Whisky (although sometimes concocted with Whisky, Bailey's, Coffee, and a touch of brown sugar), this is a phenomenal beverage choice...The irish got it right, and I am thankful. Warm, creamy, strong yet relaxing, I would almost put the word SENSUAL in front of the name of this drink. It treats you right, regardless of who you are or when you are drinking it. Simple, calm, and delicious, Irish Coffee takes the cake. Literally, it sometimes tastes like an alcoholic coffee cake. IT IS SO GOOD, everyone should try it at least once! And guess what...the Whisky in it is not STRONG ENOUGH to push away frightened onlookers. Frequently observed drinkers of the Irish Coffee? EVERYONE WHO IS EVERYONE. The best drink should be in the hands of every of-age individual who likes to have a good time and feel good about their choices. SO THERE.

Warming countless people's love caves. 

Hi regular, boring coffee. I'd like you to meet the best new thing you've ever tasted. It's called IRISH. 

I would like to conclude with a list of drink names that I looked up, but had less interest in reporting on...

Mountain Dew Me
Bend Over Shirley
Buttery Nipple
Suck, Bang, Blow

After reviewing the aforementioned cocktails, please create your own names in response. We could be enjoying a Shirley's Buttery Nipple in no time...

Everything is Bullshit: High School Edition

Hey there, PALS! It's your official cheerer-upper Maggsie here to reveal life's truths to you and fill you with despair and horror. LET US BEGIN.

Yes, Everything is Bullshit. I'm pretty sure that is a George Carlin special-- sue me (oh wait you can't because you're dead oops). In addition to everything being bullshit, Everyone is Full o' Shit. Especially the authority figures meant to gracefully guide us through life. "Shut up you hippie," you might say, if you are a Dwight Shrute and subsist solely on approval from your dumb boss. Whatever. I wouldn't hate authority if it hadn't earned my loathing. "Shut up, you hippie." I'LL KEY YOUR AMERICAN EAGLE BUMPER STICKERS, WHAT THEN. WHAT THEN, SIR. You will be without visual rebuttal to the Darwin Fish stickers HAHAHAHA yeah, everything sucks.

Know when to stop rebutting.

Anyway, throughout my life I based my value as a human on praise from authority figures. Let us call this condition "Honors' Kids Disease" or sycophantitis. I remember dying of shame and jealousy when, in first grade, my teacher singled out my best friend to read an advanced passage on her own while me and the rest of the class read "Sarah, Plain and Tall" or some other horse shit. I consider this the foundation of my lunacy. Also a poignant fear of God + Hell implanted in me during Sunday School, where I was told embarrassing someone is akin to murder, and thus punishable by ETERNAL HELLFIRE if I died without repenting for this mortal sin. Of embarrassing someone. Possibly by accident. Eternity. In. Hell.  Yes, a substitute sunday school teacher, not even a real one, told a bunch of 8-year-olds in all seriousness that if they make someone blush, Satan will crush their skulls into a fine powder for every moment of eternity if they so happen to perish before saying the Rosary like three times. I immediately hated myself forever, based on the worth of my soul according to this teacher guy. "Wtf don't be dumb," I WAS EIGHT!!!

GOING 2 HELL- PROBS. 

The most embittering case of authority-gone-wrong occurred in high school. Oh yes, those seminal years of dedicated self-loathing and hormonal confusion. I could not find approval through usual teenage methods of "coolness," since I was incapable of feigning apathy and without access to drugs or sex or other coOoOol things. I instead, with my witty female friends close by my side, fixed my focus on being the best fucking honors student EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I google-imaged "Honors student" and this is what I got. Androgyny and dumb gloves.

In case you haven't noticed, there is a lot of competition to get into "good" universities now. So junior and senior year of high school were defined by an unstoppable tornado of dread and anxiety. Homework was piled liberally onto our heads as our teachers shrieked and pulled out their hair and fretted that WE WEREN'T GOING TO GET IN ANYWHERE COOL AND THIS IS THE WORST CLASS EVER YET OH MY GOD. Two teachers were in charge of a supremely dorky supplemental program, an alternative to AP that will not be named because it is so superfluous and offensive that I can't even think about it. Let's call it DS for DumbShit. Anyway, they spent the majority of their energy trying to bully students into going for the "DS" diploma because it made the program look better and the school look better. The program-whatever required a lot of additional classes and time, including a fully-fledged research paper and numerous other components, including oral exams and a stupid class on the "theory of knowledge" (SHUT UP) (I'm only mad because I took it).

To be fair, the program gives you a lot of college credit or something and is probably a worthy venture for the most deranged of over-achievers. The two ninnies in charge, however, tried to goad us into it by threatening that we would end up at community college and not STANFORD if we made the terrrrrible decision of not adding a hundred classes and extra assignments to our already heinous schedules.

NOT STANFORD= THIS

Guess what ladies. I didn't do that shit. AND I STILL GOT INTO UCLA WITH A MILLION MORE CREDITS THAN MY PEERS BWAHAHAH. Guess who didn't get in. All the kids who tried to do the "DS" program and literally failed their classes because it was a ridiculous amount of work and their souls imploded. (To be fair, one of my best buds completed the diploma with great panache and reaped the benefit of UCLA acceptance--an example of someone who understood the challenge and met it, which is always a quality to be admired.)

But guess what REDUX: these "failures" (the ninnies loathed said students for their crimes against academic perfection) went to community college for a couple years and then transferred into the school of their dreams. Berkeley. NYU. UCLA. GOOD FUCKING SCHOOLS. Not to mention these champs saved crazy money. Strange how our "beloved" teachers made it seem that this was the least desired option with the least amount of prestige and glory..... in order to persuade us to take on extra work in order to make them look good.... HMMMMMMMMMM, sounds like exactly what a guide for impressionable and intelligent youths should be doing. NOPE.

Let's not forget to mention the inherent misery of being a high schooler. I'm pretty sure all of us were depressed. Maybe I'm just saying that because I was depressed, but I specifically remember gazing into people's eyes and seeing an ocean of hidden misery. "Oh but teenagers are always sad." There's more to it than that, fascist-voice-of-the-elderly. I got to grade my class's creative essays, which turned out to be a horrible invasion of privacy. It was the only chance we had to express ourselves, and oh boy did bitches express. All I read was rape, eating disorders, loneliness- basically pieces of paper that read DEPRESSION DEPRESSION DEPRESSION in big red letters. It was horribly saddening, and solid evidence that what I suspected was true--we were all miserable. We were miserable at school because of the stress, and we were miserable at home because of our families or some bullshit totally out of our control.

Just because. IT ISN'T!!!

My teacher never read those essays. The worst part is that this particular educator paraded herself around as a Loving Emotional and Spiritual Guide, who cultivated close relationships with fellow self-deceiving cheeseballs. She had us do projects specifically meant to draw out our inner "issues," which was incredibly inappropriate for her to attempt as she was and is not a licensed therapist or counselor equipped to handle a therapy-environment-gone-wrong. And yes, when our fellow student presented on the death of her father, said teacher was sobbing without restraint. Thank you madame, for maintaining a stable and safe-feeling environment for your anxious and gifted students. Also, she would literally fall onto the floor and pound her fists and cry while telling us about her personal tragedies. Now you know why I hate authority??

This is what form she will take in my mind, forever.

So here's the equation. You have a bunch of really smart creative kids who are spending all their energy on shit other people want them to do (Must have ten extra curriculars! Must volunteer 1000 hours in six months! Must win NUMEROUS GEOGRAPHY AWARDS!?!?). Then you have the wealth of clinical and/or situational anxiety and depression lurking beneath their shiny good-student exteriors. Then you have a bunch of adults yelling at said kids for not being good enough. Why are they yelling? Because they don't want to look like they are bad at their job, because then they won't get paid more. To which I say this....

FUCK. YOU.

The whole time I was experiencing this tomfoolery and abject mortal turpitude, I gave them all the benefit of the doubt. Oh they are nice teachers, I guess I did learn to write essays well, and I did get bomb AP scores. Four years of UNIVERSITY EDUCATION has changed my opinion. No gratitude. I would have aced that shit anyway. I am smart as fuck and they had nothing to do with that. Also, one can teach and not rip out the souls of their students to feed upon. One can instruct how to write a decent poetry analysis without striking mortal fear into the hearts of the innocent. As emotional vampires, they fed upon our terror and stress with the vigor of an eighth grader downing a hot pocket after soccer practice.

Mmm, mmm, BARF.

"What a bitter little cunt you are," says Nazi Grampa voice. Yeah, yeah, I'm an American and I am grateful for the awesomeness of my life. But I am also pissed at fuckers with power who fuck with those without power. It is literally the worst. I was self-aware enough to refuse the constant entreaties and bribes from the ninnies when they still had hope I would do their dumb diploma. They tried pretty fucking hard, cause I was dope and smart. Unfortunately for them I was emotionally mature as well. I knew that I was a kind of person that responds extremely negatively to stress. And I was right. At my most stressful point in college I developed terrible clinical depression with a nice dose of suicidality. I was measuring my self worth with my amount of "success" as defined by "the world," and that was gravely unhealthy. I had to eradicate all extraneous pressures in my life and rewrite my priorities in order to ensure my survival. Mine is an extreme case, but I feel that most young people do not value their health over their schedule, and that notion is pressed into them by shitty teachers. It was always the people who truly loved me that pleaded with me not to take on too much or stress myself unnecessarily, because they valued my being over my actions. That is how everyone should be treated, always.

Be nice like this guy. Watch that hand though. Haaaay.

Did the teachers know that they were pointing us down a path equating success with branding? (Stanford brand, Yale brand, HARVARD BRAND OH YES PLZ) Did they realize the ideas they push on susceptible young minds, "the more stress the better," "no glory without prestige," are extremely dangerous? Maybe they should consider their students' emotional, mental, and physical health before asking them to shoot themselves in the head, or the foot, or whatever, for the sake of bragging rights.

The abhorrent nature of these educators has made me appreciate the good ones and see them for what they are. My favorite teacher in high school was basically a mom-type who didn't ever intellectually challenge us, but drenched us in mom love and cuteness all day long. She was amazing. I still love her. I cried when I left her class. She is an icon of compassion and glory in my mind, shining like the virgin mary on a pedestal and everything.

Something like that. 

So what's the lesson here. Teenz r sad and they need affection. Sure, something like that. We all want moms all day. That's a good one too. How about, fuck everyone who has the chance to change a sad young person's life and decides instead to do nothing, or makes it worse for their own gain. And fuck people who suck those people's dicks. If you are a teacher, be nice for chrissakes. You can lazily refuse to teach and be nice and you are still a better teacher than the mean ones.

And if you decide to actually be a good teacher who cares and tries, you can change someone's life. That is very Hallmark-y of me to say, but I will not back down. My GOOD professors in college taught me to embrace my identity and my strangeness and to pity the ignorant haters, and that is a lesson that helps me every day. Fuckheads of the world, don't spend your time trying to get kids to hate themselves more, because then when you are old and needing someone to change your depends you will be alone because everyone will have killed themselves in some fashion, or they will hate you so much they would rather smear your own poop on your face.

If you weren't so mean, there'd be someone there to wipe your ass!

EVERYTHING IS BULLSHIT. EVERYONE IS A SHIT HEAD. COMMUNITY COLLEGE IS A GOOD IDEA FOR NUMEROUS REASONS. GOOD NIGHT.

Let's, Let's, Let's Get this STARTED!

And by get this started what I really mean is, restarted! That's right ladies and gentleman (I'm making the presumptuous assumption that we have legit readers here) the GC is back. We're back, we're bold, we're beautiful, we're in your face, and you'll have to deal with it! Or you could just close this tab and move on with your life, but where's the fun in that? Answer: there is no fun in that at all! SO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!
We are back or at least I am and I promise never to leave you alone again. Those late nights filled with procrastination and insomnia will no longer be without the sweet embrace of the Garrulous Clan's witty, clever and ridiculous take on life to fill them with joy and hilarity. You're welcome.

That's all you get for now. AWAIT THE HILARITY.