Weddings Suck and Kids Have Mad Game

Do I actually believe this? Only sorta.  Weddings and people getting married doesn't bother me, except when they're total asses about it.  Which I guess can be said of anything.  Walking your dog down the street doesn't bother me, except when people are total asses about it.  As in, his or her dog's ass leaves a present for me on my front lawn and the asshuman doesn't pick it up.

So here is the image in question:

I'd like to see the proof that this was actually said by children.

Oh, from the mouths of babes.  That's a quote, right? Googling it produced inconclusive results.

These kids are onto something.  Before I begin my analysis, let me lay down some information.  Let me drop a knowledge bomb on you.

In a recent survey conducted by The Knot, it was revealed that the average wedding is now about $27,800 

Are you joking?  TWENTY-EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS? FOR ONE DAY? And that's not including the honeymoon.  That is an ANNUAL pre-tax salary for entry level employees.  And people spend that much money on ONE DAY of their lives?  Completely and utterly ridiculous.

Now even if you aren't getting married, there are some serious chunks of change to be thrown around if you are in the wedding ceremony.  It costs $1,700 to be a bridesmaid. As in, if any of my close friends decide to get married anytime soon, I will have to decline bridesmaid-dom.  Like, super-decline it.  Shriek, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," into the phone even before she finishes asking me.  Do I want to be a bridesmaid? Sure, whatever.  But it will have to cost me about fifty bucks.

How on earth can it be that much money?  Think about it.  Bridesmaids have to buy their own dresses, which I NEVER understood.  You are in this ceremony because the bride wants you to be, and you're only buying this dress because she wants you to.  Therefore, I think brides should pony up the money or drink a tall glass of SHUT UP JUICE.  But on top of dresses, think of the shoes, accessories, travel, various showers and bachelorette parties, wedding gifts, hair and make up costs....it just makes my head hurt.

GET THAT BABY AWAY FROM MY $800 CENTERPIECES, YOU GODDAMN MONSTER!

Speaking of brides, let's not forget about bridezillas.  I thought they were mostly just a TV kind of thing, but even a casual perusal of TheKnot.com (not linked on purpose, so you don't feed their madness with hits) illustrates that these women are all depraved assholes.  Seriously.  They have no problem writing "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED" on their wedding invitations, and equally rude and shocking antics all in the name of "their" day.  Listen, bitch. A wedding is a party.  As the hostess of that party (as in, the person who plans and pays for it), you have a duty to care for the happiness and comfort of your guests.  If you don't, you're a shitty hostess.  This is ONE day of your life, and if something goes wrong, nothing is going to happen.  Nobody will remember it but you.  So  STOP FREAKING OUT ABOUT YOUR STUPID WEDDING.  If a kid cries during your ceremony, will it doom your marriage forever? No. Get over yourself.  There is nothing about you so special that you deserve a perfect wedding or even a perfect day.

Also, there is a wedding-industrial complex.  It really sickens me, but its true.  That means, if you go into a fancy card shop and you say, "I need to have some invitations made for my dad's sixty-fifth birthday." They will hand you one book with one price list.  But if you go in and say "I need to have invitations made for my wedding next Fall," they'll hand you another book with a price list that is three or four times more expensive. They KNOW you want to have your perfect, perfect wedding, and that you'll pay out the ass to get it.

The wedding industry rakes in billions of dollars every year, preying on couple's insecurities.  If you really love each other, then you don't have to prove it to everybody by getting monogrammed napkins.

Don't forget, there's at the very least a forty percent chance you're going to get divorced anyway.  Would you invest in a business with a forty percent chance of failing?  There are ways to cut that down, according to the internet, but as it currently stands, I don't like those odds.  Divorce rates have been steadily going down (which is great!), but that is still high. The census also says that of all first marriages that end in divorce, the average length of the marriage is eight years.  Bummer town. Damn those gays.  Ruining straight marriage for all of us!!

As usual, Liz steals my life plans.

So, with all that said, marriage and weddings aren't doing super.  It is fair to say that weddings aren't the same as marriage, and that one can have a great marriage without a great wedding, but this image discusses both.  These babes (children, not hotties) just get it all out there.  Let's discuss.

How do you decide who to marry?

• "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like, if you like sorts, she should like that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
• Alan, age 10
• Hmmm.  Alan, you are probably the product of a fat, sexist father, so I can't be too hard  on you.  Or you have absentee parents, so all your knowledge about functional marriages comes from TV commercials.  I think his sports example is overcompensating for his masculinity.  Anything to hide, Alan?
• "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.  God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
• Kristen, age 10
• K-Money, you're ballsy.  You're basically saying that God pre-determines marriages, but still forces people (read: women) to suffer through heartbreak, bad dates, and serious drama to find their one true love.  What a dick.

What is the right age to get married?

• "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
• Camille, age 10
• To be fair, when I was ten, I was obsessed with Justin Timberlake and ran home from school every day to watch Sailor Moon on Toonami.  Yes, we all have to suffer through being a tweenager.  Camille, get your shit together.  When you're 23 you're going to be dating four guys at once and complaining that none of them will ever reciprocate giving head, just like the rest of us.  At least, I assume that's what hip, young, twentysomething kids do.  I wouldn't know, as I have been 80 since I was 19.
• "No age is good to get married at.  You got to be a fool to get married."
• Freddie, age 6
• Freddie, you're a pimp.  Get yourself a vasectomy and you're golden.

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

• "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
• Derrick, age 8
• Good call, D.  Except, what if they don't have kids?  Or their kids are at home, where all children should be?  Also, you should barf on your parents for giving you a misspelled first name.  Try "Derek," and see how much less you get beat up in school.  

So weird, when you Google "derrick," this is what shows up.

What do most people do on a date?

• "Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
• Lynette, age 8
• Wise words.  If dating isn't fun anymore, just stop for a while.  Nothing is worse than jaded and bitter daters.
• On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
• Martin, age 10
• Also true.  This section is a win for the kids.  They seem to have a better grasp of dating than they do of marriage.  But we'll get to that later.

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

• "I'd run home and play dead.  The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
• Craig, age 9
• Good strategery.  Except, here's the thing.  Women are usually more perceptive, so when the MAN thinks the date went bad, it probably went colossally awful.  So trust me, that girl isn't looking for you, Craig.  She's probably crying into her cat and regretting having shaved her legs that night.  I know I would if I had just gone out on a date with a nine year old boy.

When is it okay to kiss someone?

• "When they're rich."
• Pam, age 7
• Pam, you are an embarrassment to the female gender, and you are now subject to mandatory gender reassignment surgery.  Have fun with your willy.
• "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
• Curt, age 7
• That's a good plan, but highly unlikely.  And Curt here is probably lying through his tiny baby teeth.  Today's seven year olds are more sexually experienced than their parents will ever be.  I'm talking hand jibbers during naptime.
• "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.  It's the right thing to do."
• Howard, age 8
• That would make things so much easier, Howard, but it would also make for about a gazillion trillion divorces.

Is it better to be single or married?

• "I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.  I'm never going to have sex with my wife.  I don't want to be all grossed out."
• Theodore, age 8
• Teddy, you're onto something here.  You know why? Sex is gross.  It's messy and unhygienic.  And people are ugly.  That is all.
• "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.  Boys need someone to clean up after them."
• Anita, age 9
• Anita, this is sexist.  However, if nobody cleaned up after my 17 year old brother, our house would literally be a landfill.  He leaves filth everywhere he goes.

I wish I was kidding.

How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

• "There would sure be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
• Kelvin, age 8
• Kelvin? Are you fucking kidding me? Kelvin? As in the degrees?  Your parents deserve to be audited by the IRS.  I guess loser over here is implying that there is something unacceptable about having kids out of wedlock, but I'm going to go ahead and say that it isn't.  Nobody cares anymore. Also, everyone should just stop having kids for a while so the earth and deteriorate less slowly.  Children of Men, anybody?

Clive Owen, I'll have the last baby with you, just for irony's sake.

How would you make a marriage work?

• "Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck."
• Ricky, age 10
• Ricky, I like your style.  Changes are, though, if you do this in a marriage, you're just going to cheat on her anyway.  If you aren't getting your pipes cleaned by your wife because you don't think she's hot, you're going to get it elsewhere.  So at least have the decency of proposing an open marriage.  If not, divorce her.

Moral of the story: Kids know what's up.  Even though they are loud and annoying.

SEXILED!: Tales of Woe and Horror

Oh, college. You grant us younglings so many freedoms, yet also some major fucking drawbacks. Yes, yes, we all jizzed our pants with joy when we broke free of our parental home and went off to live with fellow youths. Actually, I was extremely petrified, but no matter. Dorms and most college apartments may be as cramped and devoid of ambiance as a Cold War submarine, but guess what, there are no parents. What is more glorious than realizing you can do whatever the fuck you want and your mom WILL NOT FIND OUT? Nothing, my friendos, nothing.

                                                                       
                                Don't get too excited, young Padawan. Soon you will miss her!

I took the greatest delight in being able to procrastinate as much as I wanted. First quarter at UCLA, I watched the first two seasons of Dexter, hermetically sealed in my submarine instead of studying for my Modernism final. If my mom had witnessed this delay, she would be worked up into a shrieking, spazzing frenzy. But there was no mom to kick me in the ass. And I got an A anyway so WUT- EVAAA.(Do not follow my example, unless you too are an Art Major trolololo!)

                                                            I will be the first to admit it.

The downside to all this wild and crazy freedom is the fact that you could easily get stuck with living with a huge dickbag, and your parents will not be to use their grown-up powers to save you. WHO'S THE BOSS? No one is the boss. The bossiest one is the boss. You have to create boundaries and rules all on your own and pretty much no one has experience with that at this stage, so there are no rules and no boundaries.

                                                      Y u not my nanny, Tony Danza?

In this environment of utter madness the phenomenon of THE SEXILE often occurs. What is sexile, some old fogeys may ask? Well well well my little turnips, sexiling is when your dick roommate kicks you out of your abode for the sake of sexytime, whether by a polite request (preferred) or by straight-up boning in your presence (NOOOO). It is the most awkward of all things, either way, and enjoyed by no one. I will say that I have never sexiled anyone, because I believe that couples seeking to bone privately should just be tricky and track down their roommate's work schedule or something. Don't be an asshole! It's not that hard to just wait til your damn roommate isn't home. And if it is a gray area, as in said roommate could indeed come home at any time, then just listen for the front door and hide in shame under blankets. I would absolutely die of horror and embarrassment if I were caught "in the act," and I would feel pretty icky as well informing my roommate of my boning schedule for the night, even for her benefit.

That being said, I have suffered a couple times under the evils of SEXILE. Freshman year my sexy latina roommate's long distance boyfriend came to visit one weekend. I was totes "cool" with it until they started slobbering on each other once night fell. I came to the quick realization that if while falling asleep you are forced to endure the slurping sounds of tongues wrapping around each other from across the room, you will never fall asleep. I put on the sleepiest music ever but then my iPod died, further nailing in my coffin of insomnia. I managed to drift off eventually, only to be awoken again at like 6:00am by that dreadful, dreadful noise. I had no idea what to do, I only knew that I was miserable as fuck and way too pussy to yell at them to shut up. So I fled the room with my pillow and camped out in the lounge. Sleeping there was crazy better, even if the lounge couches are actually made out of concrete made to look like wood. My timid Buddhist roommate awkwardly saw me there in the morning and asked me what I was doing. Perhaps she had the powers of meditation and serenity on her side. Even more awkwardly, my sessy roommate texted me to apologize profusely, which I did not want. I wasn't going to hold that shit against her-- I know the glories of kissing. Plus her boyfriend was a hot black guy. Their combined sexual charisma could incinerate a small town. I just never wanted to talk about it ever, ever again. Which is usually the case in this foul septic tank of  a college experience.

Since then, I have been fortunate in that my dealings with sexile have been few. I had a roommate who moaned really loudly in our thin-walled home whenever she boned her boyfriend, our mutual friend of course, and that was very unpleasant. Our next door neighbors told her that they could hear it but it did not desist until they broke up. I shed no tears for their relationship's demise. No. Tears. But once again I was too pussy to actually say anything to her. Don't be like me, guys. SPEAK UP WHEN YOU HAVE TO!

                                                                     Srsly tho. Srlsy.

So yeah, sexiling. It totally blows and is uncomfortable and it will probably happen to you. Be cool my babies, speak up and kick ass rather than stabbing your ear holes. It is difficult, I know because I sure never did that shit, but yeah, there's my advice. 'TIL NEXT TIME SPORTS FANS!!!

The Technology of FACEBOOK. A Tantalizing Look into the Insecurities of a Nation

It strikes me as ODD that a website/webpage/virtual LIFE ACCOUNT online can become so popular in the mainstream media…While I am UNPRACTICED at the art of UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING COMPUTER RELATED (friends and family members can attest to this), I do have an account on FACEBACK. In fact, I have multiple accounts on many different WEBSITE THINGS, SOME CREATED FOR ME (thank you HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS), some registered in my name (THANK YOU UNDERGRADUATE INSTITUTION), and some I just plain DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Regardless, I have them, their passwords, and the KNOWHOW to access them (about 50% of the time).

Now, I must digress from the HAPPY and CAREFREE nature of the above paragraph, to get down to BRASS TACKS. I will be mostly aggressive and mean in THIS HERE DESCRIPTION OF FACEBACK. Now…I hate most things FACEBACK does…and of course FACEBACK is FACEBOOK. The stupid statuses (stati??), the annoying and MULTIPLYING photos from a bathroom, directed at a dirty mirror, the constant adding/deleting people we don’t know anyway, and the LIKES of things we neither care about NOR are interested in hearing about. It’s all awful. And I WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT I have done all of these things in my YEARS OF LIVING. I’ve written endless song lyric statuses reflecting my current mood, and have a picture where I purse my lips at my OWN REFLECTION in a dirty bathroom mirror. OH HIGH SCHOOL. However, I have EVERY right to yell at all of these things that everyone does all the time. And do not be offended. If you do these things, you know you do and should rightfully stick your EMBARRASSED TAIL UNDER YOUR LEGS, go immediately to the nearest COMPUTER/IPAD/ROBOT, apologize, and simultaneously copy all of the statuses and awful pictures and SEND THEM TO ME, via some other account. 

This discussion of the worst things about FACEBACK will begin with definitions.

1) THE FACEBOOK STATUS…This horrible invention, created for EVERY INSECURE AND HORMONE-RIDDEN teen/adult afraid of CONFRONTATION and DIRECT CONTACT with the PERSON OF INTEREST, allows users to post feelings, sayings, emotional thoughts, quotes, advertisements, and EVERY OTHER STUPID AND ANNOYING thing anyone could ever think of, on their WALL…which then somehow gets SHOVED IN MY FACE.

WHO are you and WHY ARE YOU ASKING.

Post 1: (This status taken from 25 Most Embarrassing Facebook Comments- Holytaco)

“Lauren, just now noticed that your birthday is January 16. January 16 is a very special day to me. It was my oldest brother’s birthday. The tractor turned over him and killed him in 1959, now, 50 years ago. He was 34. He was very special. Now I will think of you on his birthday, too. Actually, he was killed on Netia’s 6^th birthday, March 23, so her birthday always has a touch of sadness with it. “

Discussion 1: This post is exactly what is wrong with FACEBACK. # 1: Are these facts true? If so, I am so sorry. But do not tell me about them, because they are personal and family oriented. Also, get the dates correct because two birthdays have already been ruined. # 2: NOT a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you LAUREN…come on, this is in no way about Lauren. ANOTHER REASON I HATE FACEBOOK…it’s ALWAYS ABOUT THE PERSON POSTING. Always 100% of the time!

OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LAUREN. HERE IS A HAPPY FACE FOR MAKING YOU CRY.

Post 2: (This status taken from 25 Most Embarrassing Facebook Comments- Holytaco)

            “I blew one hard last night”…”What’s that mean Michael? MOM”

Discussion 2: REALLY? MICHAEL? # 1: That could mean so many things, I SHUDDER to think of what you really choose to do with your time. And you know what? EVERY THOUGHT I HAVE REGARDING THIS IS BAD. # 2: MOM, get off of FACEBACK if all you’re going to do is spy on your child. If they have an Internet profile on ANYTHING like YOURSPACE or FACEBACK, there WILL BE THINGS you do not approve of or like. If you are a mother and on FACEBACK to keep up with the times, that is fine! But spying is not allowed here. It is simply too easy.

Post 3: (MADE UP FROM MY OWN MIND…based on actual FACEBACK EXAMPLES)

“MAN. I am so tired from my run. It is so freeing to exercise, and I just feel great when I’m doing it! “ OR the inevitable horror of NEW YEARS RESOLUTION POSTS… “Hey annoying people at the gym taking up my elliptical…Just give up on your New Years Resolution to be healthy already, and give me more space to do my routine…”

Discussion 3: I am going to explode. THIS IS THE WORST KIND OF POST. Really, you’re going to yell about how people who have bought a membership are TAKING UP SPACE in your gym? GUESS WHAT LOSER. It isn’t yours. YOU KNOW WHAT? It’s a PUBLIC FACILITY FOR ALL PAYING USERS AND GUESTS. Also, you’re going to publically complain about how these “newbies” don’t look good when they’re exercising, because they are new? WOW. You’re a horrible jerk. No one looks good when they work out. And if they do, they’re not working out. END OF STORY. So, let us recap. The gym is not yours, you CANNOT “claim” exercise equipment for yourself, you DON’T LOOK GOOD WORKING OUT, and the more you post these STUPID SAYINGS, the more I realize your own insecurities about YOUR gym routine and working out. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. Also, do NOT check in at the gym via facebook ever again. I cannot and WILL NOT TOLERATE another post saying…_____ ______ just checked in at 24 Hour Fitness…HEY ASSHOLE, GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND STOP BEING SO MEAN…there’s a reason no one wants to use the elliptical next to you.
 

2) FRIENDING/DEFRIENDING…This is the worst. An awkward, generalized public statement about “friendship” meant only to ADD TO THE NUMBER OF FRIENDS  YOU ALREADY DON’T CARE TO READ ANYTHING ABOUT…(Although, I will admit that many of my facebook friends are my ACTUAL FRIENDS that I DO TALK TO.)

Rejection is a horrible construct of social survival. We all hate it, we’ve all had to deal with it. But do yourself a favor, in the world of FACEBACK. If you have to ask yourself the question “What are you doing?”, in reference to a profile picture or request for FRIENDING, you SHOULD NOT DO IT. If you can tell by their profile picture that things are happening of which YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A PART, DO NOT LIE TO THEM.

THE DEFRIENDING.

DO IT.

OH, IT HAS HAPPENED TO ALL OF US. Are we feeling sad? Emotional because of a breakup? Uncomfortable at the SIGHT OF SOMEONE’S POSTS AND AWKWARD LIKES? Well, thank goodness. FACEBACK has a way to make EVERYONE FEEL BAD. Hey, I can DEFRIEND YOU. Who would have thought. DEFRIENDING without confrontation or TALKING…The EASY way out of a potentially awkward situation…press IGNORE/DEFRIEND. There is no easy way to say this. Pressing “DEFRIEND” is not ending the relationship. The relationship HAS PREVIOUSLY ended. This is the technological PROOF that you’re too scared to TELL HIM/HER IT’S OVER. Romantic relationship, friendship, work relationship (on facebook!?!) I’ve seen it all. Pressing defriend is either an empowering step towards SELF-ACTUALIZATION and self-worth, or a cowardly way to show DEFEAT without saying the word…Again I say, thank you facebook.

LUKE. I AM ON FACEBOOK AND YOUR FATHER...Add me.

3) MAKE SURE TO LIKE THIS ON FACEBOOK…A button available at the BOTTOM OF EVERY TYPE OF POST EVER CREATED, where you can SHOW YOUR SUPPORT for a cause or activity or song…For instance, I have “liked” the FACEBACK GROUP: HATING CILANTRO.

Do I hate cilantro? Yes. Thank goodness I liked a whole group supporting the hatred of it. My rant will be short. I COULD CARE LESS WHAT YOU LIKE OR WHAT YOU DON’T LIKE WHEN IT COMES TO FACEBOOK AND PRETTY MUCH EVERY OTHER THING EVER. You are not nice if you go around liking everything you see just because it’s there. YES, I have done this. I AM ASHAMED. But I am aware that others do it as well. This must be stopped. YOUR BUSINESS IS NOT DOING ANY BETTER BECAUSE YOU TOLD CUSTOMERS TO LIKE THEM ON FACEBOOK. Hey commercials. I AM ALREADY NOT GOING TO BUY YOUR PRODUCT. So I am EQUALLY NOT GOING TO LIKE the SHAMWOW on FACEBOOK. In conclusion, I will say only this. Do we really want this to be the new sales pitch for a product, activity, or friend?

GC Supreme Court Case I: The Man Question

Chief Justice Schmahlo

The first case of the GC Supreme Court has been heard and the decided ruling is as follows:

We were posed a serious question with serious choices and this is how we responded, seriously.
Question: Given the choice, would you prefer a relationship with a sensitive romantic man or a more traditional manly man?

The votes have been counted and the side of the traditional manly man as won with a vote of 4-1

Official Ruling:

Ron Swanson quintessential manly man, role model to all 

It's not for nothing that the manly alpha male is the traditional idea of how a man should be. There are reasons we are biologically primed to prefer them to their more emotional counterparts. Now this is not to say that a man who has an emotional side cannot be an alpha male, we are just looking at the extreme for the sake of the argument. For instance, take Ron Swanson from the hilarious hit comedy Parks and Recreations; he's basically everything that epitomizes a manly man, however this does not make him a douchebag who hasn't acknowledged his emotions ever since he was beat up in the fourth grade for giving out girly valentines. No, instead he does all the manly things; he hunts, he holds a government job, he has an awesome mustache, I mean he carves for crying our loud! THIS MAN IS A MAN! Now he stills knows that relationships are important and for those of you believe that alpha men only prefer weak submissive women counterparts, Ron Swanson has admitted, nay, proclaimed for the world to hear that he loves powerful women, in fact all his ex-wives have been super powerful, in-charge, ladies.

Now as for the reasons we love the manly man, and they are many.

We don't have the spare their feelings all the time:
You know how sometimes when you're talking to a friend and you know what you want to say will just make them cry like little babies, and so you hold back? Well I think in a perfect world NO ONE WOULD HAVE TO HOLD BACK! And when I said friend I meant boyfriend. Sorry significant other, that sweater makes you look like a school-boy bitch.

Does it make you feel warm and fuzzy when your girlfriend is crying about something that basically makes no sense what so ever? Probably not, well we already have to deal with ourselves when we aren't making any emotional sense, we don't want to deal with you as well. Now this may sound harsh and almost like we're advising you to supress all those emotions and, you know, suck it up, but in fact I'm saying the opposite. EXPRESS YOURSELF! Just don't be all dramatic about it, we can have a rational conversation about emotions, I DO IT ALL THE TIME! Being emotionally available does not mean a hot mess ready to happen. Guys complain about their needy-ass girlfriends all the time, I've heard it, now it's time for the shoe to be placed upon the other foot, as it were. So, you know, don't be a hot mess, it's not hot.

He is the yin to my yang:
This is similar to the previous reason but there are some subtle differences. I am not a man. Sorry ladies, I know I'm kind of desirable but there are the facts. I do not want to feel like the "man" in the relationship. Now this does not mean I don't want an equal amount of power in the relationship. In my mind masculinity does not equal "he has all the power" but I do believe there are different types of power to be had. I'll go over the whole strong capable woman portion later, but for now, I'm just going to say I don't want to feel like the man. I think this has a lot to do with being taken care of. I want a man who is strong enough and confident enough to be able to take care of me when I need it. This will not be all the time, after all I am a strong capable woman, but occasionally I can be overwhelmed and I want someone there to be able to stand by me. And likewise strong men know when they need their partners and can admit it, BOOM!

There has to be balance in any relationship and that can't happen if you and your partner are too similar. I know there are a lot of thoughts out there about comparability (thanks eHarmony) and how like attracts to like. While this is true for the most part, after all we're not going to hang out with someone if we have nothing in common with them, it is also true that people get bored if there isn't enough diversity in a relationship. For example, while I enjoy reading, I won't go out with a guy who's only "thing" is reading,. I got ht e reading covered sir, time for you to bring something else to the table, like lumber-jacking perhaps?  It won't be very interesting or fun if our only group activity is sitting on a couch reading different books. Okay that may be a bad example because that sounds kind of fun... but I digress, different interests/strengths make relationships stronger. Like when you weave two types of cloth together, they become stronger together than they were separate (sorry for the cheesy analogy).

They can do cool shit around the house:
Now I, Schmahlo, am a very handy person to have around. I can mend stuff, and fix things, and I just generally can get shit done, but does this mean I wouldn't prefer to have someone else equally capable by my side? There is nothing more annoying than a man who doesn't know how to put up shelves. COME NOW, I'm not going to say "If I can do it, anyone can!" because let's face it, I'm pretty god damn amazing, but it's really not that hard to figure out power tools. It's just a wonderful feeling to know that someone else is capable of handling things if you don't feel like doing it. My parents are a perfect example, my mother can get her shit done but my dad does a lot to fix things around the house because he enjoys being handy and helpful, AS ALL MEN SHOULD.

Another point was also brought to my attention, that manly men are usually capable of "taking care of" various insects and other vermin that you happen to come across. I have a very strict rule with myself about spiders for instance. If I find a spider in my living space, i.e. inside my apartment, I will hunt that bugger down and kill it, but if it's outside it may live another day. Now this rule is one I follow religiously because there is nothing worse than knowing there is a spider somewhere in your room BUT YOU CAN'T FIND IT. It means that when you least suspect it that spider is going to land on your shoulder, or crawl down your forehead, or something equally chill inducing will occur. So I hunt spiders, but I don't relish the experience, it would be grand to have a hearty, fearless man to kill that spider so I don't have to muster my nerve and do the deed myself.

They appreciate powerful, capable women:
A manly man is someone who is secure in his masculinity. He does not feel threatened by a capable strong woman, in fact he loves and admires her. I mean, come now, strong women don't usually want a weak partner, they want someone who can keep up with them, and challenge them. Why is it so hard to believe it is the same for men? I love that women are achieving more and more equality in our society. We are showing the world how strong and capable women are and real men appreciate and help to cultivate that strength. In this day and age the definition of a "real woman" has shifted from the classic 1950s housewife stereotype and I love that and a true man will love that as well, A REAL MAN SHOULD WANT A REAL WOMAN! And just to clarify, real woman are strong and capable!

They also don't expect women to be weaker than they are. I realize that strictly speaking an average women is probably going to be physically weaker than the average man, but that does not denote true weakness. The manly man can recognize the strength in his partner, and realize that though those strengths are not the same, they are by no means unequal. Again people, two different cloths wound together make one fucking strong rope.

I think it comes down to this. We believe that manly men are best because they are strong enough not to hold us back, caring enough to understand us, but not be overcome by our awesomeness. I don't want anyone who's reading this to think that I am belittling emotions or men who feel confident enough to express those emotions, that was not the point of this exercise. Instead I'm focusing on the attributes of my ideal man, who may indeed have other qualities besides these (like the ability to express himself), but the point of this was not to add qualifiers but to say it straight out. I'm focusing on how a true "manly man" has all these sterling qualities and more.

The GC has spoken and we give you in an (almost) unanimous vote that the traditional manly man the most desirable partner.

Top 9 Most Ridiculously Awesome Things about the Renaissance Faire

I confess, I have a very nerdy guilty pleasure: Every year (sometimes twice a year) I make a pilgrimage to the Southern California Renaissance Pleasure Faire.  It has been tradition since I was probably ten years old.  I have always loved old-timey, Renaissance stuff, but it was my old Sunday school teacher who really got me into it.  She and I and my best friend, Allison, would go together and dress up all crazy in bodices and skirts.  It is a tradition that has occasionally extended to the GC and I'm sure will continue 'TIL THE END OF TIME.

So why do I like the Ren Faire so much?  No, I'm not a crazy fan fiction kind of girl (no offense, fan fiction girls), I just really love any excuse to dress up and escape reality.  Plus, it's a chance to people watch and make fun of all the crazies.  But, more specifically, here are my top 9 ridiculously awesome reasons for loving the Ren Faire:

Number Nine: Outfits from the wrong time period/genre

The Ren Faire is just an excuse for some people to dress up like the fictional characters they wish they were.  For example, I have seen Jack Sparrow, the Mad Hatter, LOTR characters, and Xena within the same 20 yard radius.  Don't worry; the world did not implode.

A pack of rogue Xena fans

"You shall not pass!"

Number Eight: Lingo

We get to don a different persona when in the world of the Renaissance, and this includes speech.  Below is a chart of common phrases in "the tongue of the Realm":

Good morning.	=	Good morrow.
Good afternoon.	=	Good day.
I’ll see you later.	=	I shall see you anon.
How are you?	=	How now?
Please…	=	Prithee or Pray…
Thank you.	=	Grammercy.
Hello, nice to see you!	=	Hail and well met!
What time is it?	=	How stands the hour?
Where are the restrooms?	=	Whither be the privies?
What is your name?	=	What be thy tide?
Please wait on me!	=	Prithee, attend me!
I'm thirsty.	=	I be parched.
Goodbye, I gotta go!	=	Fare thee well; I must away!

Also, most everyone wearing a legit costume will speak in a British accent.  Awesome.

Number Seven: Beards and long man hair

For some reason, guys at the Ren Faire actually look good with long hair.  It's weird, but it's true, generally.  Just don't try to picture any of those sexy pirate guys in a normal setting with their long hair, or you'll be immediately repulsed.

On second thought, the guy on the right looks like a girl.

Beards are also accept--wait, I take that back.  Beards are never acceptable.  EVEN IN THE RENAISSANCE.  But there is a good deal of scruff goin' on, which I cannot deny that I LOVE.

Number Six: Ridiculously expensive hand-made items

If I had a thousand dollars, that would not be enough to pay for all the really cool, one-of-a-kind goods that I want to buy at the Faire.  But, I at least get to walk around and admire them all day.  I'll usually allow myself to buy one thing to add to my carnie collection, but even then I have a budget.  Some of the items on my wish list include a leather mask, legit leather shoes (curled pointy toe), and an awesome feather hat (or hats).

This one!!!

Number Five: Ridiculously expensive food

The Faire is famous for its giant turkey legs, but I'm not really into that.  My staples are the Toad-in-a-Hole (lovely seasoned meat blend wrapped in flaky pastry crust), shepherd's pie, mango ice (pureed mango frozen back inside a mango rind), and Sin-on-a-Stick (chocolate-covered frozen cheesecake . . . "There are seven deadly sins, but only one on a stick!").

The lovely gay man who gave me my "sin."

Number Four: Chivalry is not dead

I once passed by an entire band of the Queen's gentlemen who bowed to me and tipped their hats whilst saying, "Milady."  That's right. RESPECT.

Number Three: Giant beer glasses

Now, I don't drink, but you can't deny that this is ridiculously awesome:

Number Two: Shows, specifically The Bold and Stupid Men Show and Moonie and Broon Show

Much of the Ren Faire is filled with bawdy jokes and actors trying to make you blush by tricking you into doing naughty things.  Some shows, however, keep the innuendo to a minimum, which I appreciate.  My two favorites are The Bold and Stupid Men Show and The Moonie and Broon Show.  

Sadly, Don Giovanni and Bolt Upright (the bold and stupid men) no longer grace the stage, but their memory LIVES ON.  I shall never forget the time that Maggie SAT IN THE LAP of Mr. Upright.  And to the the question (said in a ridiculous, up-speak British accent) "How's your day been?!" I will forever swing my fist onto my hip and proclaim, "Damn fine, thanks!"  ("And if it's been a really good day . . . USE BOTH FISTS!")

Moonie and Broon team up at the last hour of the Faire every day and combine their skills of fire juggling, whip snapping, tight-rope walking, bowling ball balancing, tongue-transfer fire eating, and improvisation to create a joyous display of epic hilarity.  Some favorite quotables from this duo include: "The cracking of my whip is the sound of tiny gnome skulls colliding" (Broon) and "FaLA . . . lalalaLA . . . " (Moonie).  (I'm sure these are funnier in context.)

Allie and I with Moonie (right) and Broon (left)

Drum roll . . .

Number One: Random actors (especially Puritans)

Actors and vendors are what make the Ren Faire freaking hilarious.  Girls, if you need a self esteem boost, this is the place to go because there will always be someone hitting on you.  One of my best stories from the Faire is kind of flattering on the one hand, and super creepy on the other.

So the GC and I were entering the Faire, and right at the front there are a bunch of actors greeting and interacting with and teasing people.  This one actor (a white guy in his mid twenties who might be attractive except for the extremely distracting LONG BLONDE DREADS) is standing in our path, and so our group splits to go around him, except for me, of course, and I run right into him.  He immediately takes me up in his arms and starts dancing with me, saying something that I'm not listening to because I'm looking after my friends who have just LEFT ME with this guy.  Finally, I look at him and he says to me, "Don't let my eyes do all the feasting!" and proceeds to slobber on my neck!  Ick!  Naturally, I tore myself away from him and ran to catch up with my lame friends.

Finally, the Puritans are eternally entertaining.  Once we were standing around minding our own business when one of them starts running away pointing back at us saying, "They've released the harpies from hell!"

Puritans: Not much different from extreme religionists today

In sum, the Renaissance Pleasure Faire is a place of joy and laughter for all ages. DON'T MISS OUT. 

I Would be Hugh Jackman's Beard Any Day.

What? You mean to tell me you don't know Hugh Jackman?  Well, do I have a treat for you, friendo:

WHAT'S UP, WORLD?

SMOLDER

Oh yes.  The epitome of masculinity and excellence.  The Jackman.

He is arguably my favorite manly hero type.  And there are many, many reasons why he should be your favorite as well.

Reason #1: Beefcake

As if the exhibits above weren't enough, think again.  He's tall. 6'2".  He has a foreign accent - Australian. AND HE'S TOTALLY JACKED.

Don't even tell me you'd deny a
 hug from those pecs.

So glad he remembered his baby oil. And mullet gel.

Reason #2: Kindness

Apparently he's a big bucket of cute.  He has two adopted kids with a wife he's been married for for a long ass time.  David Wenham, who worked with him on Van Helsing, said in one of the DVD extras that before he met the Jackman, he heard he was the nicest man in show business.  Wenham then confirmed that theory. He does charity work.  He's just a nice guy.  When we are working out our marriage contract, he'll probably be very concerned about my emotional state, because he's just fantastic.


Reason #3: He's in Some of Your Favorite Movies

Those SHOULDERS

He happens to be in my favorite movie of all time, Van Helsing.  No, it isn't a good movie.  It may even be a bad movie.  But sometimes movies just strike a chord in you, and you can't help yourself.  You just love them.  And I really happen to like the X Men movies.  Off the top of my head, I can think of X Men, X2, X Men: The Last Stand, X Men Origins: Wolverine, Scoop, The Prestige, Van Helsing, The Fountain, Kate and Leopold, aaaand....Australia. 


 To be fair, I don't love all those movies. I've never even seen the last three.  And that one robot movie he just did? Booo. But Wolverine and Van Helsing 
are enough for me.  Funnily enough, both characters have problems remembering their past.  One because he was shot in the brain, and one because he's the Archangel Gabriel.   Tough go all around.

Clint Eastwood, anybody?

So he's not gonna win any Oscar's any time soon.  But who cares!  The hottest people are not necessarily the most talented people.  I'd say he does a fairly good job with his acting.  And if it works, stick with it.  Apparently he got $20 million for his Wolverine movie.  Get it, get it.  When we get married, I will have no problem signing a pre-nup.  And he will inevitably have to pay his current wife some serious alimony.  No bigs.  I won't even care.




Okay.  So now that we've established how excellent he is, let's look at the downsides.  I mean, nobody's perfect.  And, as it turns out, Hughie here isn't exactly the paragon of manliness I keep hoping he will be.

Dissapointment #1: He's Way Too Into Musical Theater

Let me be clear: men can like musical theater and still be manly.  However, I think it should be a distant, quiet love.  A love that isn't expressed to often or too openly.  Hugh, however, is very comfortable with his masculinity.  Which is admirable.  To a point.

I'm dying.

Oh yes.  That's him.  That ripped hunk of man above?  Before Hugh was the action darling of Hollywood, he was a musical theater loser in Australia.  He won awards for this role.  But then he went on to HOST the TONY AWARDS, probably being the first "straight" man to ever do so.

Dissapointment #2: He Giggles.

I wish, oh how I wish I never knew this about him. But this heavenly slice of masculine pie giggles like a goddamn schoolboy bitch.

I'm like, embarrassed for him.  And that's not even the worst it could be, because that doofy E Hollywood report guy is laughing too.  Probably to hide his boner.  I mean, look at him.  Even all skinny, he looks handsome.  But speaking of gayness...

Are you even kidding me?!

Dissapointment #3:  He's TOTALLY GAY.

Okay.  I know what you're thinking. There's no way he's gay.  Through his sculpted muscles courses powerful, heterosexual blood!  Super hot 'straight' actors are never gay!  Okay, maybe you weren't thinking that but, let's examine the evidence.  He loves musical theater, and singing all the time.  He giggles.  His wife is 15 years older than him and looks like this:

UGH NO GET IT AWAY

Oh? That's not so bad for a 55 year old mother of two, you say?  Think AGAIN.

This woman is an actress, and probably a great person.  But for Christ's sake, woman.  Get someone to pick out your clothes, do your hair, and put your face on.  You have the money! You're married to the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!!!


Quick: Here's something to wash your eyes with:

Aww.  He loves his bambinos.

Yes, he does.  He loves his kids.  His ADOPTED kids.  As in, no way could he hit that because he doesn't like women.  Disclaimer: Saying this about his wife is truly horrific, because apparently they adopted after she had two painful miscarriages.  I denounce and reject myself.


Bonus Extra Dissapointment!!!


According to IMDB:

His two children have playtime sessions with Rupert Murdoch's younger children in New York.

BARF GAG EWW.  Rupert Murdoch is the evil genius behind FOX news.  So yeah.  I'd put a lid on that right away.  We can go play with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's girls.


So.  Between all the singing, goofiness, obvious beard of a wife, love of theater, dedication to muscles.....I mean, come on.  There's just no question.  Luckily, this is not a problem for me.  I would marry him any day of the week.  I'd marry him on a day of the week that doesn't even exist.  You're invited to my wedding on Fribsday.    Why? Because he seems like a genuinely nice guy.  He doesn't take himself to seriously.  He does what he likes, and he doesn't care if people won't stop accusing him of being gay.  Plus he's freaking ripped.  We could have a nice house in Australia, a grand place in L.A.  Maybe some penthouse in New York.  I'd run around with his kids.  Go to premieres with him.  Tolerate his silly nonsense and actor bullshit.  And I'd never admit he loves dong.  And we would have a purely platonic relationship, and I wouldn't even care.  I wouldn't even request to get some on the side from hot extra loser trying to make it in Hollywood.  Just sneaking peaks as 'The Jackedman' does a gazillion push ups would be enough for me.

The Ludicrous Nature of the Elderly

Hey there, dear readers. It's your regular ole fountain of mothafuckin' wisdom, Shaggsie Maggsie. Today I will tackle the issue of grandparents and why they are both frustrating and hilarious.

My lone surviving grandparent, "Grandma Ruth," is an ideal example. She is a ginger, and that's all you need to know. Missy is 88 and she is still dying her hair red. And it works well as an indicator for strangers of her complete and utter madness.

Yeah, that's her. Such a ginge.

Gramma was born in 1854, and has been dubbed a "firecracker" ever since. Maybe not 1854, but you get the idea; it was a time when racism was a given and running water a faraway dream. Gramma loves talking about the past, particularly her past; because the lady had a kickin' body and hair the color of an Irish setter. That's what she tells me, I have never seen such a beast so I don't know what the fuck she's talking about.

Okay, I looked it up. And yes, that is a stunning shade of red, WHATEVER.

According to all of Gram's stories, anyone who looked upon her shining tresses immediately became smitten with her and carried all of her books to class for ten years uphill or something. She was voted "Best gams" of all her stupid friends and the President personally thanked her for single-handedly winning the war by charming the nation's foes BLAH BLAH BLAH. Anytime I bitch about my miserable experience in high school, me being a normal-ass person, this gives her cue to launch into a story about how she was the most popular yet not mean girl who was one of the guys, one of the girls, a friend to the awkward, a voice box for human rights, and picked first for kickball every time. Obviously, I have become jaded from way too many heroic Gramma stories. This is not to say that she didn't have a truly interesting, novel-worthy life. Lady climbed the ladder in the Fisher-Price sales department during a time when women were shat on even more frequently than nowadays, jettisoned forward by pure charisma and snark. I should probably be working on that novel about her life rather than complaining about her. But if you met her,  you would understand.

She made me take this picture of her pointing at some boats. Oh, old people.

So to get a good vision of my Gramma, imagine an unfairly charming, good-hearted person who requires a diet of constant praise and attention, and who is also plagued with anxiety about the well-being of everyone she has ever met. Another important fact is that this person is a lifelong "New Yorker," meaning she has an endless arsenal of witty jabs and an abiding hatred for anything that does not fit within her snobby bourgeois standards. I got her to eat In-N-Out once, the deliciousness of which she could not deny. The experience was tainted by her question to me on whether or not the establishment we dined in was exclusively populated by illegal aliens. My reply: a prolonged groan of despair.

A question we've all asked ourselves, let's be honest.

My Gramma and I have an unusual relationship. We have long spirited talks about mental illness, abortion rights, and a whole manner of intense and pressing topics. We also get in a lot of silly arguments due to her curmudgeon factor and my lingering teenage stubbornness, and then my dad tells us to shut up and forlornly downs his scotch. She leaves me hour long voice mails detailing her day, which usually consist of causing dramz on the small New Jersey island tourist community which she unofficially governs, and reading Sue Grafton mystery novels. One Thanksgiving she drunkenly said "fuck you" to me after I called her out on one of her hyperbolic tales of heroism, which I constantly use against her as evidence that she is mean and crass. I am also very crass, but not mean. That makes all the difference, assholes!

Key to my father's survival in a house full of crazed females.

Yeah, Gramma is a firecracker, aka rude as fuck and missing her mental filter. True story, during dinner with my sister's first serious boyfriend, my Gramma drunkenly informed said boyfriend that his head was so large he must have split open his mother's vagina during his birth. Oh, she is brimming with such eloquent gems. She makes constant cracks about people's weight, which is humiliating and ironic since she is most likely technically obese. She has accepted my longtime boyfriend because of his humorous tendencies, but she is unable to put a lid on the weight jokes, to my obvious dismay.

As cruel as her tongue may be, Gramma is also a great cultural resource for nostalgic assclowns like myself. We had an amazing time this summer bonding over our love of old-timey music and Dana Andrews. She introduced me to the greats of her era, such as Ruth Etting, Sophie Tucker, and Fanny Brice. True though, that she only informed me of the honkies. I had to find Bessie Smith by my damn self. But those artists are all really amazing, and Gramma definitely got some cool points from her hipster douchebag granddaughter. These points were immediately detracted when she read a facebook conversation over my shoulder about my longtime companion "mary jane" and began grilling me quite unlawfully. Or unfairly. Whatever, Gramma be quiet!

Fanny Brice, WHAT A CUTIE. 

So what I'm getting at here is that Gramma is deeply flawed but at the same time kind of a baller. She insists on staying current with movies and culture, and her opinions on these things are always unpredictable and hilarious. She has proclaimed her sexual attraction to Scarlett Johansson as well as her intellectual attraction to Jon Stewart, is a tride and true supporter of gay rights, and is at the least, not nearly as racist as half of my relatives or her entire island community. She is crazy loyal and jumps at any chance to praise me or anyone else in the immediate family, or defend us against perceived enemies. Also she has an insane amount of energy for someone so crazy old. And whenever she showers me with ridiculous praise, I just tell her, "Well, I got it from you, ya crazy betch!" Only maybe not that last part.

Our shared crush, the handsome and brooding Dana Andrews. 

So yeah, old people are funny, but mostly offensive. Proceed with caution if one approaches you with a query about technology. I have given my Gramma diagrams, flashcards, and a whole manner of devices to try to teach her to use facebook properly, and she never remembers. Which is only for the better, because her lone facebook status was "All soooooooooooo trivial!" This was in response to her friends' boring updates about eating salad or whatever. In response to that I will type out one of her heinously lengthy voice mails and send it to her. I'm sure there is something about eating a salad in there.