Weight-loss as Reality Television. More simply put? GET OFF MY ELLIPTICAL.

My steadfast love for reality-based weight loss shows I admit is out of control. Losing It with Jillian Michaels, Extreme Makeover: Weight-loss Edition, and The Biggest Loser? BRING IT ON EVERY NIGHT. Do I have 5 hours a day to work out at a gym, with a personal trainer touching my sweat and forcing me to scream at them? Absolutely not. However, I have time to watch an hour or two of the EMOTIONAL PROGRESSION of individuals SMART ENOUGH TO SIGN UP FOR A REALITY SHOW where they are filmed running on a treadmill. (Here ends my abrupt introduction to the wonders of reality-based television involving sweat and possible weight-loss).

Now onto possibly the most ridiculous of weight-loss shows. THE BIGGEST LOSER. 

Contestants’ endless dedication to HARD, SWEATY WORK with inches lost on the waist and GAINED IN THE HEART, or an unforgivable portrayal of sad individuals stuck in the THROWS of emotional, reality show entertainment, while simultaneously mounting and dismounting the elliptical. Both are valid arguments for this reality show turned public TV therapy session. Below will be a discussion of the show’s trainers, past and present (Bob, Jillian, and Dolvett), the absence of proper therapy on THE RANCH, as well as critiques of the reality-based portion of the show. HERE IT BEGINS.

THE TRAINERS.

Bob. A brilliant man with a HINT of true Southern fire. I would describe him as the COMICAL one.

Oh, GET UP. You think you're done....

Jillian. (Although not on the show anymore, as she is off filming her own show LOSING IT WITH JILLIAN MICHAELS). The craziest, smallest firecracker of a lady that uses herself as exercise equipment and weights. And also poses for photo shoots. 

(This dress is 50 % spandex, 40 % sweat pant, and 10 % PAIN)

Dolvett. The newest trainer, and the most attractive. A dreamy yet SCULPTED ENTITY providing anatomically correct MUSCULATURE for viewers to commit fully to memory. Also very loud.

 I LOVE YOU.

Together, these three marvelous trainers have made it FUN TO WATCH as contestants sweat, roll their eyes, and mouth off to the grueling PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL exercises. Now, I am VERY PERSONALLY AWARE of arguments that this show makes fun of and exploits contestants and their inability to exercise without screaming and experiencing terror, through dramatic music and one on one camera time. I disagree. As with any reality show, the contestants sign up for what they will be experiencing. This immediately reminds all viewers that, while the emotion and heartbreak of hearing their life stories is real, The Biggest Loser is a GAME. A game dealing with health and weight-loss, but a game nonetheless. Therefore, while I do not think it FUNNY to critique contestants for their size, exercise routine completion, or emotional state, it is a game, and a reality television show. Therefore, I will watch it, cry with contestants, revel in its ridiculous humor, and stare at its ATTRACTIVE TRAINERS (while simultaneously dream that they will SCREAM AT ME to move FASTER in my dreams…Dolvett).

HOWEVER. While I enjoy the show and acknowledge the ridiculousness of the challenges, rules and GAME MENTALITY, there are some FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEMS with reality television, especially related to weight-loss. As we are aware, weight gain and loss is very much connected to our mental and emotional states. While I am NOT AT ALL a licensed therapist or counselor, I AM ALSO AWARE THAT THE TRAINERS AND HOSTS ARE EQUALLY NOT LICENSED THERAPISTS AND COUNSELLORS. Therefore, I call them out on their ridiculous psychological MUSINGS in reference to emotional blocks for contestants and their weight-loss.

 Bob. You are sweet, kind, and approachable, and you would make me feel quite comfortable opening up to you about many problems. HOWEVER. You cannot convince me that lifting ONE MORE WEIGHT will allow me to let go of 20 years of emotional baggage related to a career, family, or personal problem. Forget it. Raise my treadmill incline, NOT my blood pressure.

Are you uncomfortable? How about now...

Jillian. Although you are no longer with The Biggest Loser TEAM, SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN FOR ONCE. Train hard, shut up harder. You are not a therapist, and it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE to watch you try SO HARD to force contestants to CRY AND LET OUT THEIR FEARS. Guess what. Their number one fear is that you will get ANY CLOSER TO THEM, you crazy sometimes-funny little gremlin.

I WILL STAND ON YOU IF YOU DON'T PUSH HARDER.

Dolvett. As you are new, I have not seen as many false therapy offenses DURING WORKOUT TIME. However, you’re starting to touch contestants as you have “heart to hearts” with them. A BIG NO. Therapists must create BOUNDARIES. And as you are not a therapist, if I am your TRAINEE, please HUG ME ONCE. Then twice.

GET OFF OF ME, SANTA. Also, run FASTER.

A SIMPLE FIX, producers of The Biggest Loser? Try NOT GETTING SUED a little harder, and either stop the emotional connection BS, or get a THERAPIST to at least pretend to do something psychologically motivating.

My last point, in reference to THIS WONDERFUL RIDICULOUS REALITY SHOW, is the difference between the reality-portion of the show, the "GAME MENTALITY", and its overall meaning. I admit that this show, as well as others like it, is not for everyone. The reality portion can be too ridiculous and annoying for some (even myself, most episodes!) However, I refuse to be BULLIED into feeling bad for watching and loving this show, as it is ADVERTISED AND PRESENTED AS A REALITY HEALTH TELEVISION SHOW. NEED I SAY MORE? If you are in agreement that this show is ridiculous yet catchy, you are CORRECT. Revel in it. If you think the show is exploitative of the overweight population, I say only this. No one has 5 hours a day to work out. However, we DO have the CHOICE to accept or decline invitations to be on reality television.

Howling at the Moon and other Paranormal Clichés

I'm not going to lie to you all, though it would be ridiculously easy to do so, I read paranormal/fantasy/scifi romance novels... among other things, and I've read a lot of them. The world will never know just how many because I guard that fact like a dragon guards her gold! YOU'LL NEVER GET IT OUT OF ME! That all being said, this has given me a rather unique and let's be honest useless expertise into the subject.


Though I do despise most of the utter drivel that comes out of the romance authors of our times, there are some aspects that I just cannot make myself abandon despite several interventions. However all you probably want to read about are the hilarious horrifying bits so that's all I'm going to go over. Oh aren't you excited.


ONE! The werewolf!!
I don't know if we have Underworld or Twilight to thank for this sudden craze in werewolf lore but it's definitley there. Though it was proceeded by a spike in vampire literature which I definitely attribute to Stephenie Meyer's sparking of the hormone crazed teen-age mind, werewolves are now the norm. There are so many different types too. You have the shapeshifters that just happen to be wolves but could as easily be lions or wombats or opossums. They're werewolves too.

The elusive Were-Wombat, 
strikes fear into the hearts of its enemies

Or you have the classic "Oh no, my love I was bit last night by some wild creature and now I have a sudden hankering for raw meat, but I'm sure it's just a 24 hour bug thing," which we all know is the most tragic. I mean, come on you know that guy is going to end up killing his boo in an ill fated attempt at a romantic moonlight walk through the forest (guys this is never a good idea, never go on a walk in a forest on a full moon werewolves could be real, you never know!). Then there's the "I was born a wolf, I'll live a wolf, I
live for my pack, and I'll die a wolf." blah blah blah

He looks like he's having fun!

So now we've gone over the different types let's address the romantic issues of a furry beau. There's the human-werewolf relationship the werewolf-werewolf and the "other supernatural"-werewolf all of which come with their own drama causing problems.


Human-Werewolf
This one is especially fun if the werewolf is immortal which is somehow often the case. Don't ask me why, wolves don't live forever but somehow changing into one once a month gives you special healing abilities. In my opinion it would make more sense for the lifespan of a werewolf to be the average between a human and a wolf's but no one ever asks me.

I'm not even going to say anything,
 just soak it in

The human also has the added problem of always being in danger of being bitten, most of the time they WANT to be bitten to be with their love forever and ever... Ummmmm, this guy doesn't even want to be a werewolf, what makes you think you'll fare any better? Humans are always so weak and dumb and dependent in these situations, the ones that aren't have to super over compensate by being witches or bad ass vampire slayers who "Don't give a damn about any of you, anyway!" it's entertaining until about the second time you encounter characters with no depth who are comprised of equal parts needy/clingy/jealousy and bitchy/overpossessive/overcompensating and this goes for the men as well as the women.


I think my favorite is the werewolf on werewolf relationships. They're all vaguely dominatrix because of the "pack" dynamics. I mean if you're banging the head wolf and he's not the nicest head wolf ever, you'd best do what he says or there will be consequences. Then there's always the disturbing occurrence of wolf on wolf sex. That's right ladies and gentlemen this does happen, more than it should. I have the perfect example too.

Notice the tramp-stamp and growling wolf

I didn't even get past the first chapter. The second the wolf on wolf "intimate moment" occurred I was DONE! Plus the "heroine's" name is Kitty and she's a werewolf, that's is what I call trying too hard for ironic effect. That's another thing you'll notice is all these bad ass girls with super cutesy names like Kitty or Katie or Barbie. It's almost as bad as when they have ridiculously bad ass names like Knives or Danger. "Oh Danger, I love how you can kill 15 people at once with a hand tied behind your back, I'm going to take you now!"


As another example of how horrible these books can get I introduce an upcoming book Bear Meets Girl a lovely tale about a shapeshifting bear who comes across a she-tiger that "brings his passion out of hibernation." I kid you not people, this book is real and is coming to book stores March 2012. How do I find these things, I'm just trying to fill the lonely hours until it's time to go to work in the morning. 

Nice rubber hair she-tiger, bet that's what
 brings all the bears to the yard

There are so many ridiculous things that go on in paranormal romance novels. They use the drama of being a werewolf as an easy means of advancing the plot. I'm not going to say that I don't enjoy these little devices most of the time, but I think it's become a crutch that new authors are using to get into the "industry" as it were.

LET IT BE KNOWN AUTHORS I'M ON TO YOU AND I AM NOT AMUSED!!!

AND NEITHER IS THIS GUY! 

A Critique of Patti Stanger

Greetings, internet.  After much consideration, I have decided to allow the beauteous and pungent Caitlin to assign me the topic of the Millionaire Matchmaker and her dating philosophy.

I love my Patti.

As an avid fan of Millionaire Matchmaker, a follower of Ms. Stanger's twitter, and a purchaser of her book, I have developed a few opinions of her style.  Her steeze.  Her flavor, if you will.  I became a superfan during the summer of 2011.  Upon further research, my once absolute agreement with her opinions has waned.  There are very few people with whom I agree with wholeheartedly.  (Russ Feingold. Just sayin.)

The basic tenants of her dating rules are as follows:

1. One must be happy being single before one can be happy in a relationship.  No bitterness toward men, no lingering emotional or social disorders, and no being a pathetic loser who can't be happy without a significant other.
2. You should decide what you want out of a relationship before you start looking for one. Whatever you decide is fine, as long as you are honest with the guys about it. Figure out a few "must haves" and stick to them.
3. GET HOT. Men want sex.  A lot of it.  Just get in the best shape you can, and give a shit about your appearance.  No short hair, no ugly teeth, and buy spanx, for Christ's sake.  Feel sexy.
4. Dating is 1/3 online, 1/3 through personal contacts (networking), and 1/3 through active man hunting.  In order to man hunt, go to places where manly/rich men hang out.  I'm talking boat shows, steak houses, ski resorts, etc.  You must go alone, and you must pass guys who might not be right to you on to your single friends.
5. When you're on dates, don't be an asshole.  Also, be feminine.  Feminine attracts masculine.  Let him lead.  Make sure he meets your must haves.  If he's lame on the first few dates, it's not gonna get better.  Don't sleep with him until you decide to go exclusive.
6. Don't talk about unsexy things on dates: money, ex boyfriends, your kids, politics, religion, etc.  Date multiple men at a time until you get exclusive with one.  Never call men, they'll call you if they like you.
7. He should be in love with you by nine months.  If he isn't, or he can't say it, move on.
8. If you wanna get married, don't date a guy for more than a year without getting engaged.  Nobody needs more than a year, unless you're really young (she says 18-22).
9. Don't move in with him unless you are engaged, your parents have met each other, and you've picked a date.  Why would he marry you when he gets all the benefits of marriage without having to throw down the commitment in front of all his family and friends?
10. Here's how to get him to propose: After a year, ask him if he could see himself marrying you ever.  No? Dump him immediately - you don't have time to waste.  Maybe? If he will know in the next 90 days, bring it up again then.  If it will take longer, scare him into thinking you'll leave by telling him that you both shouldn't stay in a relationship if you both can't give the other what they want.  This may or may not work.  Yes? Fantastic.  Tell him he has ninety days to make some kind of movement in that direction or you might start to resent him for not keeping his commitment to you.

I hate summarizing so much wisdom into ten points.  Just read the book. I'll loan it to you.  If nothing else, it will be interesting.

I can read your MIND

But here's the deal.  This is a fairly old fashioned view of dating.  NEVER calling a man?  Not moving in with him until you're engaged?  Not sleeping with him until monogamy?

Many of the relationship blogs I read, specifically And That's Why You're Single, take a completely opposite approach.  The author of that blog, Moxie, basically says that there are no rules in dating anymore. Here are some of her main points that conflict with Patti's:

1. Men do not want to chase you.  Men do not "enjoy the chase."  They are lazy.  And they have plenty of options, so that allows them to be lazy.  There are a lot more women who want relationships than men who want relationships, so men can go buckwild and basically get away with anything.
2. You can't play the games Patti says you could in order to get a man to behave the way you want him too.  For example, don't ignore his texts so he'll call you.  Don't demand monogamy before sleeping with him just so you can say you have a boyfriend.  Don't pretend to be busy so it forces him to plan dates in advance instead of arranging them last minute.  Moxie thinks that a man can't be "tricked" into a relationship.  You can 'force' him to go through the motions, but that doesn't mean he actually cares about you.  And did you ever think a man would agree to monogamy to sleep with you, then break up with you the next morning after a wild sexy night?  Low down and dirty, but totally possible.  (For more information on tricking people in to a relationship, read this.)
3. Texting is the future.  Get over it.  Men like texting because they hate talking on the phone.
4. The right time to sleep with a man is whenever you want to.  If a man gets hang ups about how soon you slept with him, dump him.  He sucks.  Also, let's say you wait 3 dates.  Or 8.  Or 25.  There is no magic number of dates to make sure he'll ever speak to you again after sex.  If he likes you, he'll call you.  Regardless of when you have sex.
5. Do not expect men to pay for your dinner.  It's nice if he does, but always offer, and be legitimately prepared, to foot your half of the bill.  Apparently men are wary of "dinner whores" who use men for dates just to get free meals.  I seriously doubt this actually occurs in large numbers.

Moxie JUST wrote a blog about how all dating rules and tests are ridiculous.

That’s why many of these silly rules and games and tests are bullshit. They’re flimsy ploys to help people maintain a sense of control over a situation. In reality, they do not protect people from getting used or dumped. All they do is give the person a false sense of security and power. No blog or bullet point list or “experienced” girlfriend’s wise advice can protect you. That’s a scary reality, I know. But the sooner you accept that fact, the better of you’ll be.

You want me to give you some magical elixir so that you can “know” if this guy is genuine. There is none. You’re trying to dictate the results of this experiment by using criteria that amounts to a hill of nothing. One thing I do know is that if you start to question him and you tell him how afraid you are of this happening, the more likely it is that he will fade.

That is a fantastic blog post.  Read it here: Why Dating Rules & Tests are all Bullshit.  She's basically saying what we all know.  We use these dating tests and rules to "protect" us from people who will hurt us or use us. (And usually we say we fear a "player," but we really just fear a blow to our ego.) But in reality, we never know if that's actually happening.  And even if it does happen, nobody gets a prize for being duped the least.  Getting hurt or experiencing pain are just part of life. Like Ginnifer Goodwin said in He's Just Not That Into You:

You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are. 

I justify women acting like complete lunatics!!!

So here's the rub.  Do I still agree with Ms. Stanger 100 percent? No.  I wish dating worked the way she says it can.  But honestly, men just aren't willing to work that hard anymore.  And maybe they shouldn't have to.  But I like that she encourages women to be feminine and to be happy being single.   I tend to agree that Moxie has a more realistic view of dating.

But let's not forget, Patti deals with very rich, very beautiful people on a daily basis.  She orchestrates the highest echelons of dating most people will never engage in.  These people have the wealth, free time, ridiculous sense of entitlement that allows them to engage in more old fashioned dating.

NCMO: To Kiss or Not to Kiss?

There is a culturally unique phenomenon that occurs at BYU (Brigham Young University) when two people of the opposite sex find themselves attracted to each other but not looking for a serious relationship. We call this NCMO (“nick-mo”), or Non-Committal Make Out, fondly referred to as the “Mormon One-Night Stand.” Yes, I am Mormon; no, I’m not a weirdo. But, here at BYU and in the LDS Church, we have a certain set of standards. One of those is that we wait to have sex until marriage. I know that sounds CRAZY CATZ, but I believe it’s actually a good idea. Anyway, that means that the only form of “getting it on” before marriage is making out. Some hook ups are trashier and more fleeting than others, and some BYU-ers shun making out all together, but that’s another story.

The History of the NCMO

Apparently, the term “NCMO” was coined by some BYU students back in the day in a blog. This term spread like wildfire on campus despite the efforts of the faculty to stop it. (They should have known better than to try to stop rampant making out!!!) It has now become a common term in our vernacular, and it’s generally only used by students who are currently attending or who have previously attended BYU. My friend defined a NCMO this way: “Making out with someone without the intent of dating them seriously. As in, they are not a marriage prospect, you just really have the urge to make out with anything that moves and they are feelin' the same!”

My Experience

I’m mostly an observer of this phenomenon, as I am generally a more committed, old-fashioned sort of girl. But let’s be honest, “I believe in kissing, kissing a lot,” as Audrey Hepburn would say. My friend, on the other hand, is crazy into boys and she is always looking for a good NCMO. In fact, she’s been known to hook up with guys in the middle of the dance floor. GET IT GURRRL. I get to live somewhat vicariously through her frivolity, but I don’t quite envy it. Don’t get me wrong, kissing is a favorite past time of mine, but let’s just say I keep it classy.

(Preface to the following story: Contrary to popular belief, the term “ward” does not refer to a wing in a mental hospital. In the LDS community, we are assigned to certain buildings and times to go to church depending on where we live. We call these assigned groups “wards.”)

Recently, a guy friend of mine committed one of the cardinal sins of NCMO: He made out with a girl in his ward. Let me tell you why this is a bad thing. When a girl (or a boy) is physically intimate with someone she doesn’t want to be serious with, she doesn’t usually want to see that person again, and being in the same ward means she would see him at least every Sunday, if not more. The situation is made more awkward because the two had talked about how neither of them wanted a committed relationship, but he just said that to lure her in, and now he’s acting all possessive and needy like they’re a couple. Not cool. And there’s no way to avoid him because he’s in the SAME WARD. That's just a bad move, son. I once heard it described as “peeing in the pool.” Don’t do it, it just makes things awkward. However, it does make good material for telling dramatic boy stories. J

Is this something that happens outside the BYU bubble? I know that people in the outside world have one-night stands all the time, but what about one-night hook ups? Perhaps it is just the term that is unique, I’m not sure. The problem with NCMO, the BYU version or otherwise, is that there’s not really a way to completely cut off your emotional attachment to someone, and though you both might agree that it is “non-committal,” one or the other will inevitably be left wanting more or feeling guilty. But I guess that’s the risk taken when kissing on a whim. Let me be clear, though, that I fundamentally believe that kissing is meant to be a special thing shared between two people who genuinely like and care for each other . . . but, then again, it’s hard to resist a bit of frivolity every once in a while. J

Keep it classy.

Best and Worst of ANTM Fanart

Hey there, friends. Remember Deviantart? I sure fucking do. An art website mostly dedicated to anime and demented works from the minds of scene girls. It is an endless reserve of terrible art and naked pictures of chubby goths. It also secretly has a wonderful collection of classy vintage nudes. What is the world we live in???

Anyway, I love looking at the sort of stuff I just ruthlessly scorned. Only baby seals videos cheer me up faster than bad fan art. Nothing beats baby seals, guys. A while ago I noticed a trend in Allison Harvard fan art. A marvelous trend. Allison was a contestant on America's Next Top Model, mainly known for her enormo woodland-creature eyes and her nosebleed fetish. It is no surprise that she has a cult following since she originated as an internet meme on 4chan anywayz. 

Holy Tartar Sauce, some of her fans are decent artists. 

Yah, dat looks like her. GOOD JOB CELLESRIA.

And then we have this kind of interpretation, from the tweeny anime twits of the world.

Eyes larger than her own hands. Her contacts must alternately function as serving bowls. Also, what is the scene here exactly?  She's holding a bunny, she's in chains? Her torturers allowed her a reassuring stuffed toy to clutch whilst being whipped?! She's just on a swing and I'm an asshole?!

I will openly admit that I made equally shitty art not very long ago, and probably still, but that isn't going to stop me from making fun of this ridiculous crap. 

A poignant portrait of Joanie after being battered into tears by Tyra's cruel tongue. Perhaps she's feeling the angst of resembling a German Expressionist, racoon-eyed Sarah Jessica Parker.

According to the description, this piece was not based on any particular contestant, but rather inspired by the feel of ANTM. If ANTM has a feel, it is the feeling of boogers not quite dry under your chair. I name this contestant Cheetararah. Also maybe Tina Turner. Cheetinturnrarah.

Nope. Not quite right. Keep workin', girl doodling in the back of bio. I see you.

True digital artistry. The texture of the water is remarkable. And the choice to exclude Ebony's mouth, yes I get it. If only she hadn't added that (c), I could claim this masterpiece as my own and make millions. Damn you cautious young deviantartists!

Cross-hatching gone wrong. We've all been there, and it ain't pretty. Ivory-pale Noreen has been covered in  soot, much like that one kid's book about the dirty puppy or whatever.

Here are some actually good ones.

Yes. Excellent rendering. No sarcasm this time. POINTS.

Also well done. SURPRISE, SURPRISE, DEVIANTART.

I don't know what this is about, but it's my favorite. 

Male reenactment of Allison's photo shoot. Delicate. Lovely. Stubbly.

So yes. ANTM is fertile ground for young knaves armed with graphite sticks and dreams of internet art fame. On your journey, little dweebies, watch out for the dreaded troll who sits under the bridge and will leave you thinly-veiled sarcastic comments and then you have to explain to your mom that they are just being mean. I am that troll.

It's Never the Time for a Tube Top Wrinkle Shirt-Dress

HELLO! (I would like to begin this discussion based on HAPPINESS and POSITIVITY…hence the exclamation point!) To be clear, is my absolute FIRST blog. As in, while I might not know who I am writing to, or where to post it, the MEAT OF THE DISCUSSION STILL HOLDS TRUE.

Now that I have my aggressive yet meaningful introduction to SCARE AWAY NON-READERS, I think we should discuss an important topic. WHAT NOT TO WEAR. And I mean both the television PHENOMENON and what people should not be wearing.

Let us begin.

While I have little to no FISCAL support, as I am a college student, I seem to collect items of clothing and accessories that I DO NOT HATE. Because of this, I am able to SAY I LOVE CLOTHING. As well as the way things can be put together to GO, not MATCH. That being said, I also very much enjoy looking at other people’s styles, clothing, and INTERESTS. IN ADDITION, taking a look at the psychological and EMOTIONAL mindset of the guests is very interesting and TELLING of our society.

           I could write 1,400 pages about this show. So I will write about only one today: the type of clothing guests SPORT during their secret footage, before the miraculous makeover and REVEAL (except in the case of Denise, the famous “make-under” guest). Whether a light-wash baggy jean, a tight tube top, NO BRA, or terrible pantie/Y lines, we have all probably seen it. Which means Stacy and Clin’in have seen even more. While I do NOT believe that clothing makes a person, or that a sense of style and an ability to mix and wear expensive accessories and make-up deems someone worthy of living, let’s be real. Some clothing offenses are just too bad. Listed below are my top four offenses (not meant to actually offend people if they do wear this, as it is a COMMON PROBLEM that is fixable…also, if you like wearing any of these things, what do I care! Wear them and at least be proud of it!)

       1)    Wearing tights with a peep-toe strappy block heel or DAY SNEAKER.

  

      2)    Wearing a sweatshirt with cutoff sleeves (HOMEMADE CUTOFF SLEEVES) and possibly an undershirt for warmth? Not actually helping.

                                              

       3)    The common high-water stretchy kind-of-cotton pant (generally in obnoxious prints) worn to the corporate office by many.

       4)    The too-tight rubber/spandex number meant to be a bath mat, yet frequently found on a woman in the form of a shirt dress 6 sizes too small.

     

A description of the offenses follows…

           1)    First of all, I’m sure your toes are chilly. Warm them up, and cover them. IF A PEEP TOE IS NECESSARY, remove the stockings, lotion-ATE the legs and feet, and be on your way. No harm, and CERTAINLY no exposed seaming!!

           2)    The logistics behind wearing a long-sleeved undershirt topped with a cutoff sweatshirt are almost unbearable. For warmth? Absolutely not. Increased arm mobility? Perhaps. Fashion? MAYBE. As I said earlier, if these are your fashion styles, be my guest. But do not wear them if you do not believe in them. Arms generally move just as easily through a long sleeved number with a FLATTERING JACKET. Try it out!

           3)    As I am almost 6 feet tall, I am aware of the high-water problem, and it is RAMPANT among ladies (and men) short and tall. Why. Higher ankle mobility? To expose weekly designated sock collections a pair at a time? For a SLIGHT DRAFT ON THE SHIN? Regardless of the reason, from personal experience a high water PANT is uncomfortable, awkward, and unflattering (especially with a bell-bottom FLARE). That being said, if you have high waters, why not turn them into a day CAPRI! (See? Positivity lurks around each PANT LEG!)

           4)    Alright ladies. And men. Let us get down to business. It is nice to show skin. It is also nice to wear a form fitting dress to show off all of our WONDERFUL CURVES. However, stealing a piece of bathroom/shower DÉCOR is unacceptable. Why wear a stretchy bath mat when you could be using it not to slip in the shower. I am all for a flattering hemline, strapless dress, and even a tight dress exposing BODY SHAPE. However, a stretchy article not made for the human body cannot be comfortable. Therefore, I suggest any other comfortable option!

OVERALL, I hope that this post brings one idea to mind. Style is what you make it!!! (Minus these four offenses). Wear what you like, even if it is not mainstream or modern. However, if you participate in modern society, even a small wardrobe collection of trouser pants, skirts, and cardiCANS for the office can be your SAVING GRACE!!!