Fifty Shades of Racism

Good evening, children.   On my Facebook page, one of my quotes is as follows:

"Good question Baxter. Is love by its very nature fleeting? Hmm. I think it was Aristotle who said, 'Come, children...let me tell you a tale about ships and whales.' That has nothing to do with love, but he meant it when he said it."

If you even have to ask me who said that, you should consider other ways to be an idiot.  Corn fritter hand jobs. Watching Fox News.  Hating Tom Hanks.

I'm going to tell you a tale about ships and whales.  Actually, I'm going to take a pathetic Twilight fanfiction that has become a best selling smutbook and turn it into something you'd actually read.  But first, a few things about 50 Shades of Grey:

1. Everybody and their mother (gross) loves some form of BDSM.  Bondage.  Whatever, I don't know the terms.  Seriously.  How do I know this?  Have you ever seen a sexy scene in a movie where someone is restrained or blindfolded or held down or anything like that? Yeah, you have.  Why? Because its so mainstream its in feature films.  So this whole "OMG, WHAT? PEOPLE LIKE WEIRD SEX SHIT?" fake bullshit outrage needs to stop. 
2. If you read this book, and you broadcast that act to your entire social network, or tell your friends, it's basically like telling people you watched porn.  I mean, there isn't anything wrong with that (see above), but it is kind of odd.  Like, if your grandmother asks you what books you've been reading lately, do NOT tell her about this one.  Mumble something about Dan Brown and change the subject.  That's what any decent person would do.  Please do not cop to reading this book, even if you have.  It's like admitting that you're a total goofball who gets really into smutty romantic novels, or that you're just a tool that follows whatever bullshit trends America pumps out for you.

NOW ONTO THE GOOD STUFF.

So one day Maggie and I were verbally taking a dump on this book.  To my knowledge, neither of us have read it (and it WILL stay that way, madam), so we can't REALLY make an accurate assessment of how bad this book is.  But that won't stop us.

Look into her face and KNOW THE TRUTH.

But let's get started.  Here goes:

On March 21, 2012 11:44:34 AM PDT, Anna wrote:

OMG OMG omg, don't get me started on the fifty shades of grey nonsense.

On March 21, 2012 11:44:47 AM PDT, Maggie wrote:

dude

dude

Anna wrote:

They've been talking about it on this blog I read a lot

Maggie wrote:

dude

A wrote:

First of all, a hot 21 year old being a virgin?

   FUCK YOU

WHy does she need to be a virgin?

And anyone named "ANASTASIA STEELE"

needs to get punched in the face

 And we're off: This KILLS me in movies.  You're telling me someone who looks like THIS

Though, the name "Imogen Poots" isn't really a turn on.

 could even POSSIBLY have never had a penis in her? Or another vagina all up in it? WRONG-O.  From what I can tell, people like to get it on. And that's great (actually, it's disgusting).  Especially young people, because they're idiots and have hormones and hate themselves.  The average age for getting your v-card punched is 17, so a super hot 21 year old being a virgin? Pretty sure Anastasia has been getting it in the back door, or doesn't think bj's count as sex.  (Hint: 'Sex' is oral sex's last name.)  Now that I've said all this, I'm REALLY hoping homegirl in the book is actually a virgin.  Considering 50 Shades of Grey started out as a Twilight fanfiction, I'm gonna bet on it.





So if we choose to accept she is a virgin, the next point is why.  Now, I understand that for dramatic purposes, making a character a virgin can be interesting, but there are several problems with that choice.  First of all, it implies that your first sexual experiences will be awesome.  They won't.
Second of all, it just reinforces the bizarre obsession we have with sexual purity and chaste women.  Sexually experienced women can have amazing bedroom times and be just as naive and endearing as dumb virgins.  Not every romance needs to involve virgins.  Most don't, in the real world.

On March 21, 2012 11:46:08 AM PDT, Maggie wrote:

of course
she's a v?

yeah why

On March 21, 2012 11:46:15 AM PDT, Anna wrote:

I think so.

Maggie wrote:

so he takes her virginity and plunges her into a world of S&M
that does not sound like a healthy route

Anna wrote:

It seriously doesn't

M wrote:

and she signs a submission contract

meaning he can probs kill her.

I get why people make weird sex contracts, especially when they're into crazy shit.  You have to make sure the broad you tie up in your basement doesn't later claim you kidnapped her.  But for fuck's sake.  If you are a 21 year old virgin and your very first sex partner makes you sign a contract, just RUN.

On March 21, 2012 11:47:00 AM PDT, Anna wrote:

Yeah, and people need to get over that

On March 21, 2012 11:47:01 AM PDT, Maggie wrote:

i really like where this is going already.

Anna wrote:

here's who enjoys all that nonsense to a certain degree: everybody

Maggie wrote:

s&m shit?
fo sho

A wrote:

it's not some kind of special, weird thing to write a book about

M wrote:

or just let it stay in the far reaches of the internets

    with all the other fanfic erotica

A wrote:

Also, if someone you're seeing makes you sign a sex contract, you DON'T DO IT
that's WEIRD

I don't care how hot he is

M wrote:

under some leafy ass bushes where you can only find it IF YOU ARE REALLY LOOKING

A wrote:

Also, why does he have to be a billionaire?!

Another way in which this story makes no sense.  Billionaires have an entire stable of hot young thang's who want to play Hide the Salami.  But there's just SOMETHING ABOUT THIS GIRL.  Something about this VIRGIN that he just has to have.  Yeah, guys LOVE girls with zero sexual experience and have no idea what they're doing.

IT LOOKS LIKE  A BOILED PRAIRIE DOG!!

 M wrote:

no never NEVER SIGN A FUCKING SEX CONTRACT

A wrote:

This is just so mary sue

just like twilight

M wrote:

THAT MEANS YOU ARE GOING TO BE NIPPLE CLAMPED ALL DAY
yeah dude not even a millionaire

A wrote:

The Mary-Sue ness just KILLS ME

this is not a good, entertaining story

M wrote:

not even fucking I WOULD SERIOUSLY FUCK AN OLDER MAN WHO WAS HOT WHO HAD NOTHING ELSE GOING ON

did you read part of it?

   oh my god i am scared to

 A wrote:

No

NO

I refuse

but you don't need to read it

M wrote:

well i wasn't going to

A wrote:

The premise is so self serving

M wrote:

um THE TITLES AND THE NAMES ARE ENOUGH

A wrote:

Exactly

M wrote:

like.. ugh... so not real life

A wrote:

YES!

M wrote:

like someone doesn't have to be a perfecto billionaire to seduce you man

Actually, for me, probably yes.

 M wrote:

literally for a girl half the time ALL YOU HAVE TO DO BE IS NICE FOR A MINUTE

A wrote:

I'm going to assume the only adversity she faces is like, clinging to her vanilla sexual expectations

   like OHHH I'M SUCH A BAD GIRL

SHOULD I EVEN DO THIS?!

 
THIS. This is so annoying in romance novels.  The drama coming from her own hang ups is boring, and most people can't really relate anymore. Guilt associated with sexytimes should be over the fact that you're screwing your best friend's fiance or that he's from the wrong royal family.  Or that you're going to be killed if you don't stop having miscarriages.  (historical romance, anyone?)

YES PLEASE!

M wrote:

any whining that follows signing the SEX CONTRACT will NOT BE TOLERATED

YOU SIGNED A SEX CONTRACT
YOU ARE STUPID

A  wrote:

exactly

M wrote:

now you get to get raped forever good job

We're not saying that if you sign any kind of romantic contract, you can't ever be raped.  That would be ridiculous.  We're just saying that you should be fully informed about what you're doing (which main character girl in 50 Shades clearly can't understand) before you sign any kind of legal document.  Especially if the person proposing the contract is older, richer, smarter, etc.  Have a lawyer read over it.  WHY NOT?
 

A wrote:

I'm fully judging a book by its cover here, but I can't imagine I'm too wrong

I'm sure none of this affects her income, job performance, or grades

And I'm sure she has no other thoughts in her life other than this crazy man

This sounds like fan fiction because IT IS FAN FICTION

AND ALMOST ALL FAN FICTION SUCKS FUCKING ASS

Here's the thing about fan fiction: It's a way for adolescent fangirls to express their creativity / sexual frustration.  But it is something to be ashamed of.  If you have every written fanfiction you probably have the good sense to keep it a secret.  Because it's shameful.  It's lame and stupid and it is probably terrible writing, so just keep it to yourself.   It's the polite thing to do.  And it produces the MOST disturbing fan art, like this:

Captain America kissing Loki.  Gross.

 A wrote:

I need the feminist blogs to go crazy on this book

And I totally knew it would be a movie

M wrote:

it needs to get fucked in the ass by feminist rage

why don't all these old women just watch s&m porn

A wrote:

Maybe I'm being too harsh - is the point of literature to explore completely unrealistic scenarios?

No, good story telling has to have problems to be dealt with

M wrote:

no.

good story telling is about being a good liar

there is this awesome diderot quote where he calls all shitty story tellers "dull and platitudinous liar"

so it's like are you a good liar or a bad liar MOTHERFUCKER

(Maggie loves showing off.)

A wrote:

Trololo.

 M wrote:

and this bitch is a shitty liar

 A wrote:

This might be more interesting if there were downsides to him

from this point he seems awesome

rich, hot, etc.

M wrote:

yeah where is the fun

A wrote:

Or downsides to her, other than her FEIGNED HESITATION, which I'm sure there is a lot

M wrote:

how does she know he doesn't have other sex slaves scattered around

obvs does

omg nooooo i feel bad nooooo omg

A wrote:

I know seriously

SHUTTHEFUCKUP

M wrote:

yeah dude twilight alllll over again

A wrote:

We could make this better by making him not rich

What most "doms" look like.

M wrote:

it's like dude just enjoy yourself

A wrote:

making her not a virgin

ugh just the thought of some billionaire creeping on a virginal college student

that's pretty bizarre

A wrote:

It doesn't make any sense

I'm sure there are HUNDREDS of women flinging themselves at him

   constantly

M wrote:

oh but farrand

she has this SPECIAL THING about her

    that no one can describe or elucidate

A wrote:

UGH NO SHE DOESN'T

NOBODY IS SPECIAL

M wrote:

this GLIMMER in her BROWN EYES

how her DIMPLE fucking APPEARS OCCASIONALLY

A wrote:

Oh, I'm sure her eyes are blue or green

M wrote:

ZOMGSOGSLFHWOWOTHW

   BILLIONAIRES PANTS: NEEDIN SOME CLEANIN

A wrote:

OR STEEL GREY

UGH

    this just upsets me

M wrote:

yeah never have i seen steel grey eyes

i'm fucking upset that this lady is loaded now

off perpetuating lame ass fucking shit

really long fanfiction

A wrote:

Self indulgent nonsense

This is my main beef.  The story is totally unbelievable, but American women gobble it up.  I guess this is different from any other pop culture claptrap because it is supposedly scandalous in its sexiness.  Please, consumers - HAVE HIGHER STANDARDS FOR ENTERTAINMENT.  Like shit that history has already acknowledged as fresh as fuck.  And, there is PLENTY of fruity and weird shenanigans from verified awesome sources.  Exhibit A:

M wrote:

:(

defs

A wrote:

Good stories have tragedy and realism like JANE FUCKING EYRE

    he's BLIND

and a DICK

M wrote:

he's fucking amazing
i'd do rochester in a HOT SEC

 A wrote:

And she doesn't TOLERATE HIS BULLSHITTERY

M wrote:

yah dude you have to have the verbal sparring

young women need heroines they WOULD HANG OUT WITH

not like blank slate characters you're supposed to project your own personality on

That is an excellent point, Maggala.

A wrote:

she leaves his ass

M wrote:

uuuuh i guess i am clumzy 2?!?!11!!

A wrote:

no contract signed

M wrote:

you are reading this lol

how does one bring up such a contract

hey girl

your vaj

and body

can i do whatever i want with that

mkay

A wrote:

You should sign over your legal rights as a human so we can fuck

UHH SHOULD NOT BE NECESSARY

And here is why: You should trust the person you're letting put their nasty junk inside you.  Dan Savage and I always think it is funny when people call into his advice podcast and leave messages that say things like "I love my boyfriend, but how do I ask him to stop punching my neck during sex?"  YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE SWAPPING STI'S WITH. If you don't trust the person you're fucking to not abuse your rights as a human, then you're either doing varsity-level sex, or you shouldn't let that person bone you.

M wrote:

so i can DUMP YOU IN A GORGE

IN FIVE HOURS

S'COOL!?!?!?

A wrote:

that's so true, blank slate characters

M wrote:

bella swan is the fucking worst

she just has no personality at all

and does her homework and house work reliably

there is nothing i could relate to LESS

than being a reliable domestic slave

it's just like man your coping mechanisms are fucking boring

Bella Swan is a feminist's nightmare.  Have A PERSONALITY.  Have PROBLEMS like NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS.  Similar to Taylor Swift. 
 

A wrote:

 we should make this girl racist

CHARACTER FLAW

Tie me up, y'all!

  M wrote:

HERE WE GO

socially unacceptable character flaw lol

A wrote:

YES

And then the billionaire dumps her after like a month

more accurate story

M wrote:

lol still pretty crazy

who is actually a billionaire

 i think the list is short-ish?!?!
 

A wrote:

then she experiences sexual crisis

    preferably with religious guilt

then she joins an abstinence movement

 

M:

augh

fuck

that is real life

 A wrote:

accidentally on purpose hate crimes against black prostitutes

M wrote:

LOL

A wrote:

omg, this is a great story

M wrote:

shit

yeah it is already a lot better

"There's another db at 42nd and Lincoln.  Black pro, mid twenties, asphyxiated."
"Christ."

 A wrote:

dude

OKAY

ENDING

she gets charged with hate crimes

her name is dragged through the mud in the press

 M wrote:

justice

love it

A wrote:

she narrowly wins the court case

but doesn't have any money to pay her legal bills

M wrote:

where is boy billionaire

lol

Anna Farrand wrote:

then finds out they've been paid by the guy!!

M wrote:

secretly supporting her racism all along

que romantico

Anna Farrand wrote:

overcome by guilt and insanity, she moves to mexico

and drinks herself to death on a beach

M wrote:

cool

does she drown or is it straight up alcohol poisoning

A wrote:

either alcohol poisoning or a slow descent into liver failure with alcoholism

M wrote:

when she dies, sea gulls eat her remains

mkay down

A wrote:

PLEASE WRITE THIS STORY

ITS TOO GOOD

M wrote:

yeah it is pretty good

i can't say no man

   CHRISTIAN GREY

AND ANASTASIA FUCKFACE

A wrote:

hahaha

fifty shades of white supremacy

M wrote:

christian grey is like the laziest romance name

A wrote:

AGREED

Dude, it took me three minutes to think of that story

M wrote:

alasdair silverton should be his real name

silverhawk

Composite sketch of Alastair Silverton.

 A wrote:

And I am hardly creative

this author is so lazy

and all the editors and publishers that approved this shit

M wrote:

silverhawk largepenis

uhh yeah WHO ARE THEY

WHO ARE YOU

A wrote:

HAHAHA NATIVE AMERICAN

[I'm sorry the formatting was so weird. Copy pasta-ing FB chats is hard.]