Weddings Suck and Kids Have Mad Game

Do I actually believe this? Only sorta.  Weddings and people getting married doesn't bother me, except when they're total asses about it.  Which I guess can be said of anything.  Walking your dog down the street doesn't bother me, except when people are total asses about it.  As in, his or her dog's ass leaves a present for me on my front lawn and the asshuman doesn't pick it up.

So here is the image in question:

I'd like to see the proof that this was actually said by children.

Oh, from the mouths of babes.  That's a quote, right? Googling it produced inconclusive results.

These kids are onto something.  Before I begin my analysis, let me lay down some information.  Let me drop a knowledge bomb on you.

In a recent survey conducted by The Knot, it was revealed that the average wedding is now about $27,800 

Are you joking?  TWENTY-EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS? FOR ONE DAY? And that's not including the honeymoon.  That is an ANNUAL pre-tax salary for entry level employees.  And people spend that much money on ONE DAY of their lives?  Completely and utterly ridiculous.

Now even if you aren't getting married, there are some serious chunks of change to be thrown around if you are in the wedding ceremony.  It costs $1,700 to be a bridesmaid. As in, if any of my close friends decide to get married anytime soon, I will have to decline bridesmaid-dom.  Like, super-decline it.  Shriek, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," into the phone even before she finishes asking me.  Do I want to be a bridesmaid? Sure, whatever.  But it will have to cost me about fifty bucks.

How on earth can it be that much money?  Think about it.  Bridesmaids have to buy their own dresses, which I NEVER understood.  You are in this ceremony because the bride wants you to be, and you're only buying this dress because she wants you to.  Therefore, I think brides should pony up the money or drink a tall glass of SHUT UP JUICE.  But on top of dresses, think of the shoes, accessories, travel, various showers and bachelorette parties, wedding gifts, hair and make up costs....it just makes my head hurt.

GET THAT BABY AWAY FROM MY $800 CENTERPIECES, YOU GODDAMN MONSTER!

Speaking of brides, let's not forget about bridezillas.  I thought they were mostly just a TV kind of thing, but even a casual perusal of TheKnot.com (not linked on purpose, so you don't feed their madness with hits) illustrates that these women are all depraved assholes.  Seriously.  They have no problem writing "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED" on their wedding invitations, and equally rude and shocking antics all in the name of "their" day.  Listen, bitch. A wedding is a party.  As the hostess of that party (as in, the person who plans and pays for it), you have a duty to care for the happiness and comfort of your guests.  If you don't, you're a shitty hostess.  This is ONE day of your life, and if something goes wrong, nothing is going to happen.  Nobody will remember it but you.  So  STOP FREAKING OUT ABOUT YOUR STUPID WEDDING.  If a kid cries during your ceremony, will it doom your marriage forever? No. Get over yourself.  There is nothing about you so special that you deserve a perfect wedding or even a perfect day.

Also, there is a wedding-industrial complex.  It really sickens me, but its true.  That means, if you go into a fancy card shop and you say, "I need to have some invitations made for my dad's sixty-fifth birthday." They will hand you one book with one price list.  But if you go in and say "I need to have invitations made for my wedding next Fall," they'll hand you another book with a price list that is three or four times more expensive. They KNOW you want to have your perfect, perfect wedding, and that you'll pay out the ass to get it.

The wedding industry rakes in billions of dollars every year, preying on couple's insecurities.  If you really love each other, then you don't have to prove it to everybody by getting monogrammed napkins.

Don't forget, there's at the very least a forty percent chance you're going to get divorced anyway.  Would you invest in a business with a forty percent chance of failing?  There are ways to cut that down, according to the internet, but as it currently stands, I don't like those odds.  Divorce rates have been steadily going down (which is great!), but that is still high. The census also says that of all first marriages that end in divorce, the average length of the marriage is eight years.  Bummer town. Damn those gays.  Ruining straight marriage for all of us!!

As usual, Liz steals my life plans.

So, with all that said, marriage and weddings aren't doing super.  It is fair to say that weddings aren't the same as marriage, and that one can have a great marriage without a great wedding, but this image discusses both.  These babes (children, not hotties) just get it all out there.  Let's discuss.

How do you decide who to marry?

• "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like, if you like sorts, she should like that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
• Alan, age 10
• Hmmm.  Alan, you are probably the product of a fat, sexist father, so I can't be too hard  on you.  Or you have absentee parents, so all your knowledge about functional marriages comes from TV commercials.  I think his sports example is overcompensating for his masculinity.  Anything to hide, Alan?
• "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.  God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
• Kristen, age 10
• K-Money, you're ballsy.  You're basically saying that God pre-determines marriages, but still forces people (read: women) to suffer through heartbreak, bad dates, and serious drama to find their one true love.  What a dick.

What is the right age to get married?

• "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
• Camille, age 10
• To be fair, when I was ten, I was obsessed with Justin Timberlake and ran home from school every day to watch Sailor Moon on Toonami.  Yes, we all have to suffer through being a tweenager.  Camille, get your shit together.  When you're 23 you're going to be dating four guys at once and complaining that none of them will ever reciprocate giving head, just like the rest of us.  At least, I assume that's what hip, young, twentysomething kids do.  I wouldn't know, as I have been 80 since I was 19.
• "No age is good to get married at.  You got to be a fool to get married."
• Freddie, age 6
• Freddie, you're a pimp.  Get yourself a vasectomy and you're golden.

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

• "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
• Derrick, age 8
• Good call, D.  Except, what if they don't have kids?  Or their kids are at home, where all children should be?  Also, you should barf on your parents for giving you a misspelled first name.  Try "Derek," and see how much less you get beat up in school.  

So weird, when you Google "derrick," this is what shows up.

What do most people do on a date?

• "Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
• Lynette, age 8
• Wise words.  If dating isn't fun anymore, just stop for a while.  Nothing is worse than jaded and bitter daters.
• On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
• Martin, age 10
• Also true.  This section is a win for the kids.  They seem to have a better grasp of dating than they do of marriage.  But we'll get to that later.

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

• "I'd run home and play dead.  The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
• Craig, age 9
• Good strategery.  Except, here's the thing.  Women are usually more perceptive, so when the MAN thinks the date went bad, it probably went colossally awful.  So trust me, that girl isn't looking for you, Craig.  She's probably crying into her cat and regretting having shaved her legs that night.  I know I would if I had just gone out on a date with a nine year old boy.

When is it okay to kiss someone?

• "When they're rich."
• Pam, age 7
• Pam, you are an embarrassment to the female gender, and you are now subject to mandatory gender reassignment surgery.  Have fun with your willy.
• "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
• Curt, age 7
• That's a good plan, but highly unlikely.  And Curt here is probably lying through his tiny baby teeth.  Today's seven year olds are more sexually experienced than their parents will ever be.  I'm talking hand jibbers during naptime.
• "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.  It's the right thing to do."
• Howard, age 8
• That would make things so much easier, Howard, but it would also make for about a gazillion trillion divorces.

Is it better to be single or married?

• "I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.  I'm never going to have sex with my wife.  I don't want to be all grossed out."
• Theodore, age 8
• Teddy, you're onto something here.  You know why? Sex is gross.  It's messy and unhygienic.  And people are ugly.  That is all.
• "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.  Boys need someone to clean up after them."
• Anita, age 9
• Anita, this is sexist.  However, if nobody cleaned up after my 17 year old brother, our house would literally be a landfill.  He leaves filth everywhere he goes.

I wish I was kidding.

How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

• "There would sure be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
• Kelvin, age 8
• Kelvin? Are you fucking kidding me? Kelvin? As in the degrees?  Your parents deserve to be audited by the IRS.  I guess loser over here is implying that there is something unacceptable about having kids out of wedlock, but I'm going to go ahead and say that it isn't.  Nobody cares anymore. Also, everyone should just stop having kids for a while so the earth and deteriorate less slowly.  Children of Men, anybody?

Clive Owen, I'll have the last baby with you, just for irony's sake.

How would you make a marriage work?

• "Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck."
• Ricky, age 10
• Ricky, I like your style.  Changes are, though, if you do this in a marriage, you're just going to cheat on her anyway.  If you aren't getting your pipes cleaned by your wife because you don't think she's hot, you're going to get it elsewhere.  So at least have the decency of proposing an open marriage.  If not, divorce her.

Moral of the story: Kids know what's up.  Even though they are loud and annoying.