The Technology of FACEBOOK. A Tantalizing Look into the Insecurities of a Nation

It strikes me as ODD that a website/webpage/virtual LIFE ACCOUNT online can become so popular in the mainstream media…While I am UNPRACTICED at the art of UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING COMPUTER RELATED (friends and family members can attest to this), I do have an account on FACEBACK. In fact, I have multiple accounts on many different WEBSITE THINGS, SOME CREATED FOR ME (thank you HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS), some registered in my name (THANK YOU UNDERGRADUATE INSTITUTION), and some I just plain DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Regardless, I have them, their passwords, and the KNOWHOW to access them (about 50% of the time).

Now, I must digress from the HAPPY and CAREFREE nature of the above paragraph, to get down to BRASS TACKS. I will be mostly aggressive and mean in THIS HERE DESCRIPTION OF FACEBACK. Now…I hate most things FACEBACK does…and of course FACEBACK is FACEBOOK. The stupid statuses (stati??), the annoying and MULTIPLYING photos from a bathroom, directed at a dirty mirror, the constant adding/deleting people we don’t know anyway, and the LIKES of things we neither care about NOR are interested in hearing about. It’s all awful. And I WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT I have done all of these things in my YEARS OF LIVING. I’ve written endless song lyric statuses reflecting my current mood, and have a picture where I purse my lips at my OWN REFLECTION in a dirty bathroom mirror. OH HIGH SCHOOL. However, I have EVERY right to yell at all of these things that everyone does all the time. And do not be offended. If you do these things, you know you do and should rightfully stick your EMBARRASSED TAIL UNDER YOUR LEGS, go immediately to the nearest COMPUTER/IPAD/ROBOT, apologize, and simultaneously copy all of the statuses and awful pictures and SEND THEM TO ME, via some other account. 

This discussion of the worst things about FACEBACK will begin with definitions.

1) THE FACEBOOK STATUS…This horrible invention, created for EVERY INSECURE AND HORMONE-RIDDEN teen/adult afraid of CONFRONTATION and DIRECT CONTACT with the PERSON OF INTEREST, allows users to post feelings, sayings, emotional thoughts, quotes, advertisements, and EVERY OTHER STUPID AND ANNOYING thing anyone could ever think of, on their WALL…which then somehow gets SHOVED IN MY FACE.

WHO are you and WHY ARE YOU ASKING.

Post 1: (This status taken from 25 Most Embarrassing Facebook Comments- Holytaco)

“Lauren, just now noticed that your birthday is January 16. January 16 is a very special day to me. It was my oldest brother’s birthday. The tractor turned over him and killed him in 1959, now, 50 years ago. He was 34. He was very special. Now I will think of you on his birthday, too. Actually, he was killed on Netia’s 6^th birthday, March 23, so her birthday always has a touch of sadness with it. “

Discussion 1: This post is exactly what is wrong with FACEBACK. # 1: Are these facts true? If so, I am so sorry. But do not tell me about them, because they are personal and family oriented. Also, get the dates correct because two birthdays have already been ruined. # 2: NOT a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you LAUREN…come on, this is in no way about Lauren. ANOTHER REASON I HATE FACEBOOK…it’s ALWAYS ABOUT THE PERSON POSTING. Always 100% of the time!

OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LAUREN. HERE IS A HAPPY FACE FOR MAKING YOU CRY.

Post 2: (This status taken from 25 Most Embarrassing Facebook Comments- Holytaco)

            “I blew one hard last night”…”What’s that mean Michael? MOM”

Discussion 2: REALLY? MICHAEL? # 1: That could mean so many things, I SHUDDER to think of what you really choose to do with your time. And you know what? EVERY THOUGHT I HAVE REGARDING THIS IS BAD. # 2: MOM, get off of FACEBACK if all you’re going to do is spy on your child. If they have an Internet profile on ANYTHING like YOURSPACE or FACEBACK, there WILL BE THINGS you do not approve of or like. If you are a mother and on FACEBACK to keep up with the times, that is fine! But spying is not allowed here. It is simply too easy.

Post 3: (MADE UP FROM MY OWN MIND…based on actual FACEBACK EXAMPLES)

“MAN. I am so tired from my run. It is so freeing to exercise, and I just feel great when I’m doing it! “ OR the inevitable horror of NEW YEARS RESOLUTION POSTS… “Hey annoying people at the gym taking up my elliptical…Just give up on your New Years Resolution to be healthy already, and give me more space to do my routine…”

Discussion 3: I am going to explode. THIS IS THE WORST KIND OF POST. Really, you’re going to yell about how people who have bought a membership are TAKING UP SPACE in your gym? GUESS WHAT LOSER. It isn’t yours. YOU KNOW WHAT? It’s a PUBLIC FACILITY FOR ALL PAYING USERS AND GUESTS. Also, you’re going to publically complain about how these “newbies” don’t look good when they’re exercising, because they are new? WOW. You’re a horrible jerk. No one looks good when they work out. And if they do, they’re not working out. END OF STORY. So, let us recap. The gym is not yours, you CANNOT “claim” exercise equipment for yourself, you DON’T LOOK GOOD WORKING OUT, and the more you post these STUPID SAYINGS, the more I realize your own insecurities about YOUR gym routine and working out. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. Also, do NOT check in at the gym via facebook ever again. I cannot and WILL NOT TOLERATE another post saying…_____ ______ just checked in at 24 Hour Fitness…HEY ASSHOLE, GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND STOP BEING SO MEAN…there’s a reason no one wants to use the elliptical next to you.
 

2) FRIENDING/DEFRIENDING…This is the worst. An awkward, generalized public statement about “friendship” meant only to ADD TO THE NUMBER OF FRIENDS  YOU ALREADY DON’T CARE TO READ ANYTHING ABOUT…(Although, I will admit that many of my facebook friends are my ACTUAL FRIENDS that I DO TALK TO.)

Rejection is a horrible construct of social survival. We all hate it, we’ve all had to deal with it. But do yourself a favor, in the world of FACEBACK. If you have to ask yourself the question “What are you doing?”, in reference to a profile picture or request for FRIENDING, you SHOULD NOT DO IT. If you can tell by their profile picture that things are happening of which YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A PART, DO NOT LIE TO THEM.

THE DEFRIENDING.

DO IT.

OH, IT HAS HAPPENED TO ALL OF US. Are we feeling sad? Emotional because of a breakup? Uncomfortable at the SIGHT OF SOMEONE’S POSTS AND AWKWARD LIKES? Well, thank goodness. FACEBACK has a way to make EVERYONE FEEL BAD. Hey, I can DEFRIEND YOU. Who would have thought. DEFRIENDING without confrontation or TALKING…The EASY way out of a potentially awkward situation…press IGNORE/DEFRIEND. There is no easy way to say this. Pressing “DEFRIEND” is not ending the relationship. The relationship HAS PREVIOUSLY ended. This is the technological PROOF that you’re too scared to TELL HIM/HER IT’S OVER. Romantic relationship, friendship, work relationship (on facebook!?!) I’ve seen it all. Pressing defriend is either an empowering step towards SELF-ACTUALIZATION and self-worth, or a cowardly way to show DEFEAT without saying the word…Again I say, thank you facebook.

LUKE. I AM ON FACEBOOK AND YOUR FATHER...Add me.

3) MAKE SURE TO LIKE THIS ON FACEBOOK…A button available at the BOTTOM OF EVERY TYPE OF POST EVER CREATED, where you can SHOW YOUR SUPPORT for a cause or activity or song…For instance, I have “liked” the FACEBACK GROUP: HATING CILANTRO.

Do I hate cilantro? Yes. Thank goodness I liked a whole group supporting the hatred of it. My rant will be short. I COULD CARE LESS WHAT YOU LIKE OR WHAT YOU DON’T LIKE WHEN IT COMES TO FACEBOOK AND PRETTY MUCH EVERY OTHER THING EVER. You are not nice if you go around liking everything you see just because it’s there. YES, I have done this. I AM ASHAMED. But I am aware that others do it as well. This must be stopped. YOUR BUSINESS IS NOT DOING ANY BETTER BECAUSE YOU TOLD CUSTOMERS TO LIKE THEM ON FACEBOOK. Hey commercials. I AM ALREADY NOT GOING TO BUY YOUR PRODUCT. So I am EQUALLY NOT GOING TO LIKE the SHAMWOW on FACEBOOK. In conclusion, I will say only this. Do we really want this to be the new sales pitch for a product, activity, or friend?