SEXILED!: Tales of Woe and Horror

Oh, college. You grant us younglings so many freedoms, yet also some major fucking drawbacks. Yes, yes, we all jizzed our pants with joy when we broke free of our parental home and went off to live with fellow youths. Actually, I was extremely petrified, but no matter. Dorms and most college apartments may be as cramped and devoid of ambiance as a Cold War submarine, but guess what, there are no parents. What is more glorious than realizing you can do whatever the fuck you want and your mom WILL NOT FIND OUT? Nothing, my friendos, nothing.

                                                                       
                                Don't get too excited, young Padawan. Soon you will miss her!

I took the greatest delight in being able to procrastinate as much as I wanted. First quarter at UCLA, I watched the first two seasons of Dexter, hermetically sealed in my submarine instead of studying for my Modernism final. If my mom had witnessed this delay, she would be worked up into a shrieking, spazzing frenzy. But there was no mom to kick me in the ass. And I got an A anyway so WUT- EVAAA.(Do not follow my example, unless you too are an Art Major trolololo!)

                                                            I will be the first to admit it.

The downside to all this wild and crazy freedom is the fact that you could easily get stuck with living with a huge dickbag, and your parents will not be to use their grown-up powers to save you. WHO'S THE BOSS? No one is the boss. The bossiest one is the boss. You have to create boundaries and rules all on your own and pretty much no one has experience with that at this stage, so there are no rules and no boundaries.

                                                      Y u not my nanny, Tony Danza?

In this environment of utter madness the phenomenon of THE SEXILE often occurs. What is sexile, some old fogeys may ask? Well well well my little turnips, sexiling is when your dick roommate kicks you out of your abode for the sake of sexytime, whether by a polite request (preferred) or by straight-up boning in your presence (NOOOO). It is the most awkward of all things, either way, and enjoyed by no one. I will say that I have never sexiled anyone, because I believe that couples seeking to bone privately should just be tricky and track down their roommate's work schedule or something. Don't be an asshole! It's not that hard to just wait til your damn roommate isn't home. And if it is a gray area, as in said roommate could indeed come home at any time, then just listen for the front door and hide in shame under blankets. I would absolutely die of horror and embarrassment if I were caught "in the act," and I would feel pretty icky as well informing my roommate of my boning schedule for the night, even for her benefit.

That being said, I have suffered a couple times under the evils of SEXILE. Freshman year my sexy latina roommate's long distance boyfriend came to visit one weekend. I was totes "cool" with it until they started slobbering on each other once night fell. I came to the quick realization that if while falling asleep you are forced to endure the slurping sounds of tongues wrapping around each other from across the room, you will never fall asleep. I put on the sleepiest music ever but then my iPod died, further nailing in my coffin of insomnia. I managed to drift off eventually, only to be awoken again at like 6:00am by that dreadful, dreadful noise. I had no idea what to do, I only knew that I was miserable as fuck and way too pussy to yell at them to shut up. So I fled the room with my pillow and camped out in the lounge. Sleeping there was crazy better, even if the lounge couches are actually made out of concrete made to look like wood. My timid Buddhist roommate awkwardly saw me there in the morning and asked me what I was doing. Perhaps she had the powers of meditation and serenity on her side. Even more awkwardly, my sessy roommate texted me to apologize profusely, which I did not want. I wasn't going to hold that shit against her-- I know the glories of kissing. Plus her boyfriend was a hot black guy. Their combined sexual charisma could incinerate a small town. I just never wanted to talk about it ever, ever again. Which is usually the case in this foul septic tank of  a college experience.

Since then, I have been fortunate in that my dealings with sexile have been few. I had a roommate who moaned really loudly in our thin-walled home whenever she boned her boyfriend, our mutual friend of course, and that was very unpleasant. Our next door neighbors told her that they could hear it but it did not desist until they broke up. I shed no tears for their relationship's demise. No. Tears. But once again I was too pussy to actually say anything to her. Don't be like me, guys. SPEAK UP WHEN YOU HAVE TO!

                                                                     Srsly tho. Srlsy.

So yeah, sexiling. It totally blows and is uncomfortable and it will probably happen to you. Be cool my babies, speak up and kick ass rather than stabbing your ear holes. It is difficult, I know because I sure never did that shit, but yeah, there's my advice. 'TIL NEXT TIME SPORTS FANS!!!