I Would be Hugh Jackman's Beard Any Day.

What? You mean to tell me you don't know Hugh Jackman?  Well, do I have a treat for you, friendo:

WHAT'S UP, WORLD?

SMOLDER

Oh yes.  The epitome of masculinity and excellence.  The Jackman.

He is arguably my favorite manly hero type.  And there are many, many reasons why he should be your favorite as well.

Reason #1: Beefcake

As if the exhibits above weren't enough, think again.  He's tall. 6'2".  He has a foreign accent - Australian. AND HE'S TOTALLY JACKED.

Don't even tell me you'd deny a
 hug from those pecs.

So glad he remembered his baby oil. And mullet gel.

Reason #2: Kindness

Apparently he's a big bucket of cute.  He has two adopted kids with a wife he's been married for for a long ass time.  David Wenham, who worked with him on Van Helsing, said in one of the DVD extras that before he met the Jackman, he heard he was the nicest man in show business.  Wenham then confirmed that theory. He does charity work.  He's just a nice guy.  When we are working out our marriage contract, he'll probably be very concerned about my emotional state, because he's just fantastic.


Reason #3: He's in Some of Your Favorite Movies

Those SHOULDERS

He happens to be in my favorite movie of all time, Van Helsing.  No, it isn't a good movie.  It may even be a bad movie.  But sometimes movies just strike a chord in you, and you can't help yourself.  You just love them.  And I really happen to like the X Men movies.  Off the top of my head, I can think of X Men, X2, X Men: The Last Stand, X Men Origins: Wolverine, Scoop, The Prestige, Van Helsing, The Fountain, Kate and Leopold, aaaand....Australia. 


 To be fair, I don't love all those movies. I've never even seen the last three.  And that one robot movie he just did? Booo. But Wolverine and Van Helsing 
are enough for me.  Funnily enough, both characters have problems remembering their past.  One because he was shot in the brain, and one because he's the Archangel Gabriel.   Tough go all around.

Clint Eastwood, anybody?

So he's not gonna win any Oscar's any time soon.  But who cares!  The hottest people are not necessarily the most talented people.  I'd say he does a fairly good job with his acting.  And if it works, stick with it.  Apparently he got $20 million for his Wolverine movie.  Get it, get it.  When we get married, I will have no problem signing a pre-nup.  And he will inevitably have to pay his current wife some serious alimony.  No bigs.  I won't even care.




Okay.  So now that we've established how excellent he is, let's look at the downsides.  I mean, nobody's perfect.  And, as it turns out, Hughie here isn't exactly the paragon of manliness I keep hoping he will be.

Dissapointment #1: He's Way Too Into Musical Theater

Let me be clear: men can like musical theater and still be manly.  However, I think it should be a distant, quiet love.  A love that isn't expressed to often or too openly.  Hugh, however, is very comfortable with his masculinity.  Which is admirable.  To a point.

I'm dying.

Oh yes.  That's him.  That ripped hunk of man above?  Before Hugh was the action darling of Hollywood, he was a musical theater loser in Australia.  He won awards for this role.  But then he went on to HOST the TONY AWARDS, probably being the first "straight" man to ever do so.

Dissapointment #2: He Giggles.

I wish, oh how I wish I never knew this about him. But this heavenly slice of masculine pie giggles like a goddamn schoolboy bitch.

I'm like, embarrassed for him.  And that's not even the worst it could be, because that doofy E Hollywood report guy is laughing too.  Probably to hide his boner.  I mean, look at him.  Even all skinny, he looks handsome.  But speaking of gayness...

Are you even kidding me?!

Dissapointment #3:  He's TOTALLY GAY.

Okay.  I know what you're thinking. There's no way he's gay.  Through his sculpted muscles courses powerful, heterosexual blood!  Super hot 'straight' actors are never gay!  Okay, maybe you weren't thinking that but, let's examine the evidence.  He loves musical theater, and singing all the time.  He giggles.  His wife is 15 years older than him and looks like this:

UGH NO GET IT AWAY

Oh? That's not so bad for a 55 year old mother of two, you say?  Think AGAIN.

This woman is an actress, and probably a great person.  But for Christ's sake, woman.  Get someone to pick out your clothes, do your hair, and put your face on.  You have the money! You're married to the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!!!


Quick: Here's something to wash your eyes with:

Aww.  He loves his bambinos.

Yes, he does.  He loves his kids.  His ADOPTED kids.  As in, no way could he hit that because he doesn't like women.  Disclaimer: Saying this about his wife is truly horrific, because apparently they adopted after she had two painful miscarriages.  I denounce and reject myself.


Bonus Extra Dissapointment!!!


According to IMDB:

His two children have playtime sessions with Rupert Murdoch's younger children in New York.

BARF GAG EWW.  Rupert Murdoch is the evil genius behind FOX news.  So yeah.  I'd put a lid on that right away.  We can go play with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's girls.


So.  Between all the singing, goofiness, obvious beard of a wife, love of theater, dedication to muscles.....I mean, come on.  There's just no question.  Luckily, this is not a problem for me.  I would marry him any day of the week.  I'd marry him on a day of the week that doesn't even exist.  You're invited to my wedding on Fribsday.    Why? Because he seems like a genuinely nice guy.  He doesn't take himself to seriously.  He does what he likes, and he doesn't care if people won't stop accusing him of being gay.  Plus he's freaking ripped.  We could have a nice house in Australia, a grand place in L.A.  Maybe some penthouse in New York.  I'd run around with his kids.  Go to premieres with him.  Tolerate his silly nonsense and actor bullshit.  And I'd never admit he loves dong.  And we would have a purely platonic relationship, and I wouldn't even care.  I wouldn't even request to get some on the side from hot extra loser trying to make it in Hollywood.  Just sneaking peaks as 'The Jackedman' does a gazillion push ups would be enough for me.