Howling at the Moon and other Paranormal Clichés

I'm not going to lie to you all, though it would be ridiculously easy to do so, I read paranormal/fantasy/scifi romance novels... among other things, and I've read a lot of them. The world will never know just how many because I guard that fact like a dragon guards her gold! YOU'LL NEVER GET IT OUT OF ME! That all being said, this has given me a rather unique and let's be honest useless expertise into the subject.


Though I do despise most of the utter drivel that comes out of the romance authors of our times, there are some aspects that I just cannot make myself abandon despite several interventions. However all you probably want to read about are the hilarious horrifying bits so that's all I'm going to go over. Oh aren't you excited.


ONE! The werewolf!!
I don't know if we have Underworld or Twilight to thank for this sudden craze in werewolf lore but it's definitley there. Though it was proceeded by a spike in vampire literature which I definitely attribute to Stephenie Meyer's sparking of the hormone crazed teen-age mind, werewolves are now the norm. There are so many different types too. You have the shapeshifters that just happen to be wolves but could as easily be lions or wombats or opossums. They're werewolves too.

The elusive Were-Wombat, 
strikes fear into the hearts of its enemies

Or you have the classic "Oh no, my love I was bit last night by some wild creature and now I have a sudden hankering for raw meat, but I'm sure it's just a 24 hour bug thing," which we all know is the most tragic. I mean, come on you know that guy is going to end up killing his boo in an ill fated attempt at a romantic moonlight walk through the forest (guys this is never a good idea, never go on a walk in a forest on a full moon werewolves could be real, you never know!). Then there's the "I was born a wolf, I'll live a wolf, I
live for my pack, and I'll die a wolf." blah blah blah

He looks like he's having fun!

So now we've gone over the different types let's address the romantic issues of a furry beau. There's the human-werewolf relationship the werewolf-werewolf and the "other supernatural"-werewolf all of which come with their own drama causing problems.


Human-Werewolf
This one is especially fun if the werewolf is immortal which is somehow often the case. Don't ask me why, wolves don't live forever but somehow changing into one once a month gives you special healing abilities. In my opinion it would make more sense for the lifespan of a werewolf to be the average between a human and a wolf's but no one ever asks me.

I'm not even going to say anything,
 just soak it in

The human also has the added problem of always being in danger of being bitten, most of the time they WANT to be bitten to be with their love forever and ever... Ummmmm, this guy doesn't even want to be a werewolf, what makes you think you'll fare any better? Humans are always so weak and dumb and dependent in these situations, the ones that aren't have to super over compensate by being witches or bad ass vampire slayers who "Don't give a damn about any of you, anyway!" it's entertaining until about the second time you encounter characters with no depth who are comprised of equal parts needy/clingy/jealousy and bitchy/overpossessive/overcompensating and this goes for the men as well as the women.


I think my favorite is the werewolf on werewolf relationships. They're all vaguely dominatrix because of the "pack" dynamics. I mean if you're banging the head wolf and he's not the nicest head wolf ever, you'd best do what he says or there will be consequences. Then there's always the disturbing occurrence of wolf on wolf sex. That's right ladies and gentlemen this does happen, more than it should. I have the perfect example too.

Notice the tramp-stamp and growling wolf

I didn't even get past the first chapter. The second the wolf on wolf "intimate moment" occurred I was DONE! Plus the "heroine's" name is Kitty and she's a werewolf, that's is what I call trying too hard for ironic effect. That's another thing you'll notice is all these bad ass girls with super cutesy names like Kitty or Katie or Barbie. It's almost as bad as when they have ridiculously bad ass names like Knives or Danger. "Oh Danger, I love how you can kill 15 people at once with a hand tied behind your back, I'm going to take you now!"


As another example of how horrible these books can get I introduce an upcoming book Bear Meets Girl a lovely tale about a shapeshifting bear who comes across a she-tiger that "brings his passion out of hibernation." I kid you not people, this book is real and is coming to book stores March 2012. How do I find these things, I'm just trying to fill the lonely hours until it's time to go to work in the morning. 

Nice rubber hair she-tiger, bet that's what
 brings all the bears to the yard

There are so many ridiculous things that go on in paranormal romance novels. They use the drama of being a werewolf as an easy means of advancing the plot. I'm not going to say that I don't enjoy these little devices most of the time, but I think it's become a crutch that new authors are using to get into the "industry" as it were.

LET IT BE KNOWN AUTHORS I'M ON TO YOU AND I AM NOT AMUSED!!!

AND NEITHER IS THIS GUY!