A Critique of Patti Stanger

Greetings, internet.  After much consideration, I have decided to allow the beauteous and pungent Caitlin to assign me the topic of the Millionaire Matchmaker and her dating philosophy.

I love my Patti.

As an avid fan of Millionaire Matchmaker, a follower of Ms. Stanger's twitter, and a purchaser of her book, I have developed a few opinions of her style.  Her steeze.  Her flavor, if you will.  I became a superfan during the summer of 2011.  Upon further research, my once absolute agreement with her opinions has waned.  There are very few people with whom I agree with wholeheartedly.  (Russ Feingold. Just sayin.)

The basic tenants of her dating rules are as follows:

1. One must be happy being single before one can be happy in a relationship.  No bitterness toward men, no lingering emotional or social disorders, and no being a pathetic loser who can't be happy without a significant other.
2. You should decide what you want out of a relationship before you start looking for one. Whatever you decide is fine, as long as you are honest with the guys about it. Figure out a few "must haves" and stick to them.
3. GET HOT. Men want sex.  A lot of it.  Just get in the best shape you can, and give a shit about your appearance.  No short hair, no ugly teeth, and buy spanx, for Christ's sake.  Feel sexy.
4. Dating is 1/3 online, 1/3 through personal contacts (networking), and 1/3 through active man hunting.  In order to man hunt, go to places where manly/rich men hang out.  I'm talking boat shows, steak houses, ski resorts, etc.  You must go alone, and you must pass guys who might not be right to you on to your single friends.
5. When you're on dates, don't be an asshole.  Also, be feminine.  Feminine attracts masculine.  Let him lead.  Make sure he meets your must haves.  If he's lame on the first few dates, it's not gonna get better.  Don't sleep with him until you decide to go exclusive.
6. Don't talk about unsexy things on dates: money, ex boyfriends, your kids, politics, religion, etc.  Date multiple men at a time until you get exclusive with one.  Never call men, they'll call you if they like you.
7. He should be in love with you by nine months.  If he isn't, or he can't say it, move on.
8. If you wanna get married, don't date a guy for more than a year without getting engaged.  Nobody needs more than a year, unless you're really young (she says 18-22).
9. Don't move in with him unless you are engaged, your parents have met each other, and you've picked a date.  Why would he marry you when he gets all the benefits of marriage without having to throw down the commitment in front of all his family and friends?
10. Here's how to get him to propose: After a year, ask him if he could see himself marrying you ever.  No? Dump him immediately - you don't have time to waste.  Maybe? If he will know in the next 90 days, bring it up again then.  If it will take longer, scare him into thinking you'll leave by telling him that you both shouldn't stay in a relationship if you both can't give the other what they want.  This may or may not work.  Yes? Fantastic.  Tell him he has ninety days to make some kind of movement in that direction or you might start to resent him for not keeping his commitment to you.

I hate summarizing so much wisdom into ten points.  Just read the book. I'll loan it to you.  If nothing else, it will be interesting.

I can read your MIND

But here's the deal.  This is a fairly old fashioned view of dating.  NEVER calling a man?  Not moving in with him until you're engaged?  Not sleeping with him until monogamy?

Many of the relationship blogs I read, specifically And That's Why You're Single, take a completely opposite approach.  The author of that blog, Moxie, basically says that there are no rules in dating anymore. Here are some of her main points that conflict with Patti's:

1. Men do not want to chase you.  Men do not "enjoy the chase."  They are lazy.  And they have plenty of options, so that allows them to be lazy.  There are a lot more women who want relationships than men who want relationships, so men can go buckwild and basically get away with anything.
2. You can't play the games Patti says you could in order to get a man to behave the way you want him too.  For example, don't ignore his texts so he'll call you.  Don't demand monogamy before sleeping with him just so you can say you have a boyfriend.  Don't pretend to be busy so it forces him to plan dates in advance instead of arranging them last minute.  Moxie thinks that a man can't be "tricked" into a relationship.  You can 'force' him to go through the motions, but that doesn't mean he actually cares about you.  And did you ever think a man would agree to monogamy to sleep with you, then break up with you the next morning after a wild sexy night?  Low down and dirty, but totally possible.  (For more information on tricking people in to a relationship, read this.)
3. Texting is the future.  Get over it.  Men like texting because they hate talking on the phone.
4. The right time to sleep with a man is whenever you want to.  If a man gets hang ups about how soon you slept with him, dump him.  He sucks.  Also, let's say you wait 3 dates.  Or 8.  Or 25.  There is no magic number of dates to make sure he'll ever speak to you again after sex.  If he likes you, he'll call you.  Regardless of when you have sex.
5. Do not expect men to pay for your dinner.  It's nice if he does, but always offer, and be legitimately prepared, to foot your half of the bill.  Apparently men are wary of "dinner whores" who use men for dates just to get free meals.  I seriously doubt this actually occurs in large numbers.

Moxie JUST wrote a blog about how all dating rules and tests are ridiculous.

That’s why many of these silly rules and games and tests are bullshit. They’re flimsy ploys to help people maintain a sense of control over a situation. In reality, they do not protect people from getting used or dumped. All they do is give the person a false sense of security and power. No blog or bullet point list or “experienced” girlfriend’s wise advice can protect you. That’s a scary reality, I know. But the sooner you accept that fact, the better of you’ll be.

You want me to give you some magical elixir so that you can “know” if this guy is genuine. There is none. You’re trying to dictate the results of this experiment by using criteria that amounts to a hill of nothing. One thing I do know is that if you start to question him and you tell him how afraid you are of this happening, the more likely it is that he will fade.

That is a fantastic blog post.  Read it here: Why Dating Rules & Tests are all Bullshit.  She's basically saying what we all know.  We use these dating tests and rules to "protect" us from people who will hurt us or use us. (And usually we say we fear a "player," but we really just fear a blow to our ego.) But in reality, we never know if that's actually happening.  And even if it does happen, nobody gets a prize for being duped the least.  Getting hurt or experiencing pain are just part of life. Like Ginnifer Goodwin said in He's Just Not That Into You:

You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are. 

I justify women acting like complete lunatics!!!

So here's the rub.  Do I still agree with Ms. Stanger 100 percent? No.  I wish dating worked the way she says it can.  But honestly, men just aren't willing to work that hard anymore.  And maybe they shouldn't have to.  But I like that she encourages women to be feminine and to be happy being single.   I tend to agree that Moxie has a more realistic view of dating.

But let's not forget, Patti deals with very rich, very beautiful people on a daily basis.  She orchestrates the highest echelons of dating most people will never engage in.  These people have the wealth, free time, ridiculous sense of entitlement that allows them to engage in more old fashioned dating.